The Evil Imp

Babel Fish


Fauston Carpet of the Amsterdam Research and Science Enterprise guest blogs on the Evil Imp to decipher the recently released job description for the new Artistic Director of Dance City in Newcastle upon Tyne. The National Dance Agency is sans leadership at the moment because the last one, Janet Archer, now works for ACE in London, juggling socks or something. Over to you Mr Carpet!

Thank you one and all. The world’s press flacks and bureaucrats will try and mislead you, confuse you and take you down an alleyway promising a potion to cure all your ills before hitting you on the head with a cosh and making off with your trousers (which happens all the time here in the land of tulips and hash!)

Here at the institute we muddle through this malady of double talk and bring it to you straight! Dance City’s origional text is indented!

To develop and maintain a clear strategic vision and artistic policy and business strategy plan for Dance City, and to promote the excellence of Dance City as a dance organisation of international repute, demonstrating artistic leadership in the UK and beyond.

You shall endeavour not to run the place into the ground, make it go bankrupt and force ACE to make groveling apologies to politicians for wasting huge sums of cash even though the entire thing was their idea in the first place.

To develop and implement an artistic programme for Dance City in partnership with other venues, educational institutions, visiting artists and organisations and co-producers. To be responsible for delivering danciNG the world, Dance City’s international dance festival in partnership with Culture 10.

Get as much stuff as humanly possible into the building, using as many ethnic groups as possible so we can call the whole thing “culturally diverse”. In addition, absolutely no one with any creative skill whatsoever should be paid for anything, this is the arts, not a real job!

To ensure that Dance City maintains its professional development programme, supporting artists to work to the highest standards in the north east of England.

To ensure that we support artists that are close personal friends or friends of close personal friends, ad infinitum, preference should also be given to favouring family members, current members of staff or anybody who gives the appearance of being “disadvantaged” in any way. Talent is optional.

To work in partnership with regionally based education providers and in particular Northumbria University and Newcastle College to drive regional dance education to the highest levels possible.

Work with as many scruffy looking kids as possible, nothing brings in money like a bunch of scruffy looking kids learning dance instead of burning down houses or blowing up tabby cats with fireworks!

To advise the trustees on the development of Dance City’s artistic policies.

To lie your backside off so nobody realises we’re not actually doing anything of any real importance!

To encourage audience development, seeking to break down as far as possible any barriers that exist for public access to, and appreciation of dance.

Get as many scruffy looking kids and adults into the theatre because nothing brings in money like a bunch of ……. (you get the point, see above)

in partnership with others, explore the viability of refurbishing the old Dance City building to become a new space for performing arts creation and education in Newcastle. To work with Northumbria University to develop the Pilates Studio as an income generating space.

We haven’t got enough money to run this place so lets make it worse by adding even more infrastructure into the mix. Better than letting the old place get turned into “Executive Living Spaces”.

To lead, manage, motivate, inspire, develop and support the management team and the staff of the company and be responsible for the proper implementation of the company’s policies on personnel, health and safety, equal opportunities, training, and staff development. To manage and develop direct reporting staff.

Have lots of meetings.

To ensure the effective functioning of Dance City as a viable business, including the effective financial management and financial development of the company, and the containment of expenditure and commitments within available resources.

Try very hard not to spend more money than we actually have by turning off the heating, and the lights!

To ensure the maintenance of probity, integrity and credibility in the work of Dance City and compliance with legal requirements.

This is a doozy because we don’t actually have any of those things! You’re on your own mate!

To sustain good and effective relationships with existing and potential funders, sponsors, partners, supporters, and external organisations, and with resident organisations within Dance City.

Lie your arse off to get as much money as humanly possible so we can turn the heating back on, it’s bloody cold in here!

To carry out such other functions or projects as are allocated to the postholder from time to time by the trustees.

Maintain the ability to run as fast as you possibly can from this place because if it all goes wrong we’re going to blame you!