Thumbing through the latest copy of Dance UK's magazine, a feat of herculean effort because the thing is so dry it is actually able to repel standing water, it became very obvious why the good folks of Planet Earth don't embrace contemporary dance with as much gusto as they otherwise might.
Let's start with the photography which, for reasons past understanding, has rendered everybody in them green! In one photo there is a picture of Vanessa Cook and Kevin Finnan recieving the much deserved audience award for Motionhouse Dance Theatre. Now we know Vanessa, here in the Lab, and let me tell you she is not green, not even a little bit and Kevin Finnan isn't green either, most people are not, in fact, green at all, but people coloured!
We then have an insightful piece on David Lammy who, in case you don't know, is the Minister for the Arts and is one of the people responsible for the utterly pointless Dance Forum that was set up by the Dept. For Culture Media and Sport that we reported on in the news a while back. Mr Lammy offers us such pearls of wisdom as;
"we should invest in people's souls as well as their skills" (stop cringing at the back!)
I'm not sure about you but that all sounds a bit devil worshippy to me! Invest as in buy as in he wants your soul, all hail beelzebub! If you should see Mr Lammy on the street, purchase a salted kipper and slap him in the head with it or throw holy water over him, whichever is more convenient!
We then move on to a republished article from the Independent newspaper by Tom Sutcliffe who states that he will never go and see dance again after seeing Mark Morris's company. This is of little surprise to anyone since that's the feeling most people get after seeing Mr Morris's company do anything. Much like reading Mr Sutcliffe is a big reason why nobody buys the Independent!
The magazine goes on and on and on and on. Not one article within its pages is insightful, gripping, humorous or, in my humble opinion, well written. You can use all the pompous language you like to puff up your self importance and try to let people know how intelligent you are but if nobody makes it to the end of your piece then just exactly how smart are you?
Unlike Vanessa Cook and Kevin Finnan, the stewards of dance are green, green and not all capable of communicating just how vibrant, entertaining, exciting and important dance can be.
Dance UK Newsletter 60 is available for free, use it to set fire to things or prop up that wobbly table, it's not much use for anything else!