Following the announcement by the Royal Opera House that Kevin "I'm so obscure even I don't know who I am" O'Hare has been appointed to helm the Royal Ballet we, here in TheLab™, slipped an ROH insider some used £10 notes in a brown paper bag to get a hold of his "Aims and Objectives" list used in interview.
We should point out that what is written below is in no way made up, because we wouldn't do that!
1. Buy new kitchen appliances because look how much f****** money I get paid to do this sh*t!
1 a) Kiss ass interview with Judith Mackrell, Luke Jennings, that guy from the Telegraph, doesn't matter who it is!
1 b) Have nice lunches a lot, did I mention how much f****** money I get paid to do this sh*t? Good times!
1 c) Spend entire first Sunday in charge replacing all previous AD photo's with mine, it's mine now, all mine, muhahahahahaaaaaaaa!
2. Put on a triple bill, doesn't matter what it is as long as it has MacMillan, Tudor and some other choreographer who is no longer alive, very important that!
3. Re-stage 'Swan Lake' get Derek Deane in, he's good for a laugh.
4. Triple Bill
5. 'Swan Lake - Borrowers Edition', filmed in 3D so all the dancers look tiny, we can use matchboxes and cotton reels for the set!
5. a) Visit Royal Ballet School, tell them how great they are, hire dancers from Europe and Russia instead of them!
6. Triple Bill
7. Dust off 'Romeo and Juliet', MacMillan's old one, the old
buggersguard love that here!
8. Figure out who the hell Anthony Poppano is!
9. Triple Bill
10. 'Swan Lake', this time do it next to an actual lake because that will be awesome, not the Thames though because it's not a lake and stinks of rotting flesh!
11. Triple Bill
11 a) Kiss ass interview with the New Statesmen or some other magazine, doesn't matter which one.
12. Stage something with Carlos Acosta in it, doesn't matter what it is.
13. 'Cinderella', staged in an actual castle though, apparently Disney have a nice one in Paris!
Invite Paris Opera to perform with usF*** that, they'll make us look bad!
15. New commission by Wayne McGregor, remind me not to renew that guys contract though! I mean 'Live Fire Exercise!" wtf?
16. Christmas, easy bud, just do the 'Nutcracker' or 'Alice in Wonderland' and pretend we didn't copy the idea from Scottish Ballet.
In a statement the Royal Ballet/Royal Opera House denied being completely useless, at least they would if we asked them because who would admit to such a thing?