Like bird flu, the Mini Cooper and Bruce Forsythe The Place Prize is back once again to do............. Well, we're not really sure what it's supposed to do but it's back and we and a lot of other people would rather it wasn't.

This got us thinking, here in TheLab™, about what other games we could come up with that didn't take a millennia to finish and were a bit more interesting for the audience.

Gladiators

gladiator.jpgThe protagonists are organised on a giant, elevated podium surrounded by water. Each choreographer is given a giant Qtip™ and wears a brightly coloured unitard. The buzzer sounds and the dance makers begin the melee. The last one standing on the podium wins the prize.

Options include filling the surrounding pool with mud, jelly, ice cream or lions but we feel sure somebody would protest about the cruelty, to the lions!

For: Over quickly
Against: Nobody looks good in a unitard!

Predators

predator.jpgBased on the formula of the film with the same name. Dance makers are transported, in defiance of all the principles of physics, to another world where they are each provided with some form of projectile weapon. They are then hunted by giant aliens that can see in the dark and turn invisible, which is cheating but it's their game so.... Last one standing wins the prize.

Options include bringing in Arnold Schwarzenegger to yell at people to "get to the choppha!" whilst covered in mud!

For: We can use 'Welcome to the Jungle' as the theme song.
Against: Dance makers being skinned by enormous, improbably intelligent, sociopathic aliens might make the sponsors a bit squeamish!

A short side programme involves the Ballet Boyz making a documentary about poor people in the jungle trying to rip them off. The Boyz mysteriously disappear, but only when it is really hot does this happen!

Dance Maker Fortunes

wayne.jpgFashioned on the game show Family Fortunes, the dance makers and their company compete against each other in a series of elimination rounds where they answer stupid questions about the number of people who can name the music used in the work of Wayne MacGregor (the top answer is always going to be; "Who the hell is Wayne MacGregor?")

Eddie Nixon can host because he's a lot like Les Dennis and he likes talking to people about competitions and stuff.

For: Middle England will love it.
Against: Reminds us about Les Dennis!

Sonic The Hedgehog

sonic.jpgDance makers are dressed up like a blue hedgehog with a mohican (stop laughing at the back). They then run along a series of platforms performing impossible stunts to collect gold rings while fighting some dude called Dr.Robotnik.

One with the most gold rings is the winner but unlike the video game you only get one life.

Dancers for opposing companies can dress up as Dr Robotnik to try and take the competition out, would result in some spectacular flying collisions.

For: The sound effects are funny
Against: High risk of protagonists being run over on a dual carriageway!

Big Brother

All the participating dance makers and their dancers are forced to live in house for a month where they engage in mundane conversation for hours on end whilst sitting in a filthy pool of water. Contact improvisation high jinks ensue on a regular basis usually fuelled by alcohol. Winner is the the most obnoxious, unpleasant one.

Surprise guests could include John Ashford, Alistair Spalding, the fat piano player from the ROH and somebody from ACE. With that lot in the mix there's bound to be an incident where one of the dance makers loses it completely and they all end up in a corner cowering behind a chair with no clothes on!

For: Nothing
Against: Everything