Our very own EvilImp™ breaches Arts Council England's normally high security (a Yale lock and a petulant cat called Wilfred) and takes over the press office for the day. Here's what happened as the usual questions came in fielded by someone with scant regard for playing nice, obfuscating or deflecting.
With thanks to our dear readers for sending in some of their own questions, we hope these answers bring you comfort.
Were the NPO decisions fair?
Well, it came down to our buddies in the big shiny buildings vs those grubby little f******* in the provinces and guess who won?
erm...... It's ACE's position that people who are poor and grubby will be easily impressed by simple things, ergo, the provinces and those annoying touring companies need less money. They tend to complain less when things look a bit shabby.
Look, if the President of the United States visits we can hardly show off the UK by taking him to the 'Chipping Sodbury Amateur Dramatics Collective Improv Night' can we? It's ROH all the way, good for business, (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).
Stop nudging me and stop winking at me!
The CEO of Northern Ballet was giving ACE a hard time about funding cuts, how would you respond to that?
I would say this! Dude, we gave you a shiny new building, you're like the kid that got a PS3, a mountain bike and the worlds biggest bar of chocolate for Christmas then bitched about not getting a snow globe. Shush, deal with it, push off!
So he's off the Christmas Card list
That dude was never on it!
What about high levels of pay for senior people in the arts, what is ACE's position on that?
Dude, look, I can't say anything officially if you know what I mean (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) but I will say this. We know who has the biggest snout in the trough and we're making plans. Legally we can't do anything but we know some boys from Sicily who can have a few words on the QT if you get my drift? You didn't hear that from me!
What is Mr Davey's (Alan Davey CEO of ACE) position on long term funding growth for the arts vs short term, per capita GDP growth and the potential negative indicators linked to philanthropy, tax incentives, inflation and middle class migratory patterns?
ermm..... no clue but he thinks the X-Factor is awesome!
How do you feel Mr Davey dealt with the recent hearings at the DCMS Select Committee?
Put it this way, we made him sit on the naughty step for three days and took away his Lego™ bricks!
Dude loves to build castles and trucks and birds and cranes and horses and (snip..... Ed!)
How do you respond to people who think ACE should be abolished and no public money should be spent on the arts?
We usually just tell them to f*** off
Who designed your maps for the recent NPO announcement?
He's called Jake, he's five and and won an open competition, he was very excited to be a part of the whole thing.
How deep is the understanding amongst ACE personal of new technology?
One of our employees holds the highest ever score on Angry Birds, does that count?
Then I'm all out!
Why did your website crash on March 30th?
Our web dude was hammered, dudes got some issues if you know what I mean?
What happened to the proposed variable year funding agreements?
Well, it sounded like a good idea at the time then we realised we would have to do this NPO crap all over again every year or so. Who needs that kind of grief?
How is your relationship with DCMS these days?
Ha! Those f****** f******* I'll tell you what! They better not show their **** f****** faces around here ever again after what they did to us, f****** **** f******* *** ****** ** **** ***** a** snow globe *** ** ******** ** ***** *** *** ****** pliers ** * ***** ******* ** ****** lobotomy!
So not good then?
Basically the same as it's always been
How are you going to deal with the 50% reduction in ACE's overhead?
We're shipping the whole operation off to a call centre in Nepal, we're gonna hang with Dalai Lama dude!
Isn't that going to affect turn around times on GFA funding applications?
Nope, we can turn your funding application down for no good reason from anywhere on planet earth, we're building an iPad app to do just that.
Yeah, it's basically just a big red button that says "can I have some funding" and when you press it the app tells you to f....... (snip, Ed!)
At the time of writing ACE had recovered control of its press office.