In a tribute to the risible maps and documents issued by ACE's elite graphic design department following the announcement of the NPO funding decisions we, here in TheLab™, have created a visualization based on what the dance landscape would look like if ACE went crazy (again) and delivered not funding but nuclear missile strikes.
Each blast represents 10 Kilotons of power for every £100,000 in funding. View it in full screen or download the hi-res image from Flickr at the bottom of the page because YOU NEVER KNOW!!
As you would expect from such an attack London would be almost completely wiped out. There would be some genuine cinematic moments as survivors of the initial strikes on the Royal Opera House, ENB and Sadler's Wells breathe a sigh of relief only to be turned to dust by the follow up, albeit much smaller, hits on Random Dance, Siobhan Davies Dance, The Ballet Boy[s] and others.
Candoco Dance Company blow a big fat raspberry at ACE because they're on tour in Norway right now so hah! They missed!
Rambert Dance Company and Protein ensure that West London comes in for a particularly unpleasant morning cup of coffee.
Down south the decision to locate Hofesh Shechter and Jasmin Vardimon in Brighton does not bode well for the seaside town. The same goes for South West Dance who combine forces with the two dance makers to ensure that morning dog walkers go home a little bit more crispy than when they left.
Up north BRB and DX are responsible for the complete destruction of Birmingham while even further north Ballet Lorent's recklessness in housing themselves in Newcastle upon Tyne leads to 250,000 geordies being irradiated.
Overall the dance map of England is left with a very specific corridor extending from the south-west through to the east before you swing around the north-east to end up in Scotland where safety and shorbread await you.
The analysis shows that the best place to be, should ACE lose the plot completely and start firing, is probably Milton Keynes...............
On second thoughts maybe you should just set up a champagne breakfast outside the Royal Opera House and welcome the apocoplypse with open arms!
Next week: 'When Zombies Attack - What Happens When ACE's Medical Research Goes Wrong!'