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photo by Anirudh Koul

Here in the Lab we tend to give London a hard time. It's big, it smells funny and an awful lot of folks are under the impression that it's the centre of the dance universe.

A nasty, and mostly unfounded, rumour was circulating about the whale that swam into the Thames recently. Apparently there was some evidence to suggest that it didn't die of heart failure but, in fact, committed suicide after being overcome by depression when the poor beast realised where it was.

Such scurrilous rumour mongering must be rebutted we feel. We have searched high and low and come up with five reasons to love London and the people who live there because we believe in giving everyone a fair shake and London should be no exception!

It's 300 Miles Away

Yes, the Lab is a good 300 miles away from the big smoke, the smell, tube station employees that look like they want to disembowel you if you ask them a question, 'jovial' London 'cabbies', and most importantly of all, those nefarious individuals that enjoy spending time in Kings Cross station trying to sell you everything from hard drugs to bottled samples of their own urine!

For being so far away, we thank you. Kudos to Perth in Western Australia which, according to Google Earth, is 9,241 miles from the nations capital, we know how special that feeling is!

They Have The Olympics

It may be true that London will spend £12 Billion of the entire country's money on a two week long sports event/pharmaceutical convention but at least the rest of us don't have to clean up the mess and deal with the traffic. Londoner's (for that is what they are called) have also graciously agreed to figure out what to do with a gymnastics stadium, velodrome and other sporting venues for which this country has no particular talent.

When the event is over and the athlete's village reverts to being, what we call in the UK, a council estate, the city's inhabitants have agreed to cover it in garbage, spray the walls with graffiti and make large areas of it uninhabitable. None of which will cost the country a penny! They really are very sweet.

The M25

What many people don't know is that the M25 was never meant to be a motorway. It was actually the foundation for a giant security wall that would surround the capital. Sadly it filled up with traffic before they could finish it because, as we all know, a Londoner's first reaction to seeing a paved area running in a straight line is to start driving their car across it for no apparent reason.

London's spokesman, Fauston Carpet, would not confirm if the wall was to keep people in or the rest of us out of the nation's pride and joy. We like to think it was to keep them in, so for that we give thanks, for the thought at least.

Eastenders

For the uninitiated, and our overseas readers, Eastenders is a 'soap' opera about life in a typical 'East End' enclave populated with people that make peeling wallpaper seem interesting. The characters within this particular universe spend their time drinking tea, shouting, complaining, drinking more tea, killing one another, and fathering illegitimate children, whilst drinking tea. These activities are carried out 4 times per week on national television.

Were it not for this show being completely devoid of original thinking, good writing, superlative acting and believable characters there would be no gauge for what good television actually is. Watch it once then retire to your private DVD collection and enjoy season 1 of Lost at your leisure!

Arts Council England

You may or may not remember that ACE was, until recently, based only in London and not spread around the country like a virulent dose of flu. As we all know, ACE is an invaluable organisation to the arts for the simple reason that where else would artists be able to turn in times of need to fix the suffocating problems of funding imbalance, incoherent policy and meaningless decision making?

Arts Council England is an irreplaceable member of the arts community, otherwise there would be very little reason not to put them all in prison!

Admission

So there you have it, if our assessment of this country's great capital doesn't fill you full of joy then you're not reading it right or maybe you are reading it right but you actually live in London in which case your brain has started to melt because of all the pollution and you just realised George 'pussy cat' Galloway is your member of parliament!