Now some people say we, here in the Lab, like making fun of folks a little too much and to be honest and fair with you that hurts. We do have to say though that making fun of things is a nice way to pass an hour or six but that’s only because we work in dance and dance makes it all too easy to shred the last remaining portions of self respect that the great and the good might have in this addled profession.

So it is with a heavy heart we turn to our rival, for want of a better word, publication in London that goes by the name of LondonDance.com.

The boys and girls in Sadlers Wells towers thought it would be a good idea to have a survey, an online survey if you please, to see what their readers like about dance, about their website and probably, for all the good this survey did, their particular tastes in ice cream!

In the spirit of science, comedy and because at the time of writing we have nothing better to do, we decided to conduct our own survey about their survey among the boys and girls here in the Lab. Now there are only five of us but that makes our survey at least as scientific as theirs and probably just as reliable in terms of the results!

Our questions are about their questions and the responses they received, we have a +/- of about 45% on any of our results and those questioned represent a representative sample (that’s a lot of representing, Ed!) of the folks that work on Article19 and happened to be either in the room or on iChat at the time of polling!

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Do you think that:

A) The people who responded 'hip hop/street dance' were just trying to sound cool? 85%
B) People who describe themselves as ‘Ballet Fans’ ought to be flogged with a salted kipper? 123%
C) Folks who responded ‘Other’ are so stupid they need professional help? 9%
D) None of the above 1 %

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Are people who attend dance 'Once a Year':

A) Really poor? 346%
B) Work for the Arts Council?
45%
C) Went to see Random Dance Company and took 12 months to get over it?
1238%

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People who enjoy ‘abstract qualities of shapes, colours and movement’:

A) are on drugs 2%
B) are on someone else’s drugs
34%
C) need to get out more
0%
D) have fallen over and hit their head on something hard!
238.2%

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Is 'dancing in your bed':

A) a euphemism for having sex? 4%
B) highly dangerous because of possible sheet entanglement?
344%
C) probably going to annoy your mum?
243%

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People who responded that they found LD.com’s design ‘simple and attractive’:

A) are clinically blind? 3%
B) share a decorator with Sadam Hussain?
2%
C) can’t speak English?
1%
D) were lying? 14,654%

The next question is to long to illustrate with a graphic but basically they asked a question about which other 'dance' websites you visit. The question has been altered in the results to simply 'which other websites' do you visit. They left Article19 and Dance Europe off the original list!

In that list why do you think they left Article19 out?:

A) They don’t like us. 3%
B) They really don’t like us. 4%
C) They really, really don’t like us. 567%
D) They thought we were a website about orange juice! 3%

The people who filled out this survey were?

A) The editors mother who pushed the submit button 1,300 times? 2%
B) The editor who pushed the submit button 1,300 times? 34%
C) Article19 having a laugh by pushing the submit button 1,300 times? 124%
D) Nobody’s having a laugh because LD.com just ‘aint funny? 1,234,657%

Summing Up A Dodgy Survey

In their summary of the report the LD.com people summarised that the typical reader of their site was;

“A female in her 20’s who is a contemporary dance enthusiast and attends dance frequently. She is loyal to Londondance.com (are you kidding me with this? Ed!) visiting it nearly once a week for well over a year by now. She mainly uses the site to find out about performances and dance news and probably checks the jobs while she’s there or links to sites of other dance companies she’s interested in.

She went to university where she studied dance and is currently employed in the arts sector (sometimes teaching dance classes). Her income is under £20,000. She reads Metro in the morning as well as the dance press and lives in London.”

Our survey finds the average user of LD.com to be;

A pretentious hip-hop wannabe with no money, is a frequent drug user that keeps falling over and hitting their head on things, they engage in dangerous bedroom activities that annoy their mother and often lie to others despite the fact they can’t speak English very well if at all and they have all the aesthetic taste of a demented Koala bear on an acid trip. They are also under the slightly misguided impression that Article19 makes orange juice!

Stay slippy