Dance news, when there is any, is usually a little on the dull side. So and so gets a new job, this guy is really great, this woman is such an "artiste!" You know the type of stuff. But if you look real hard the best stories are buried in the side bars because the editors don't care for them so they put them where they think nobody will notice. Of course, we did find them and here is the shocking truth, culled in full for you to devour!
Bloodshed at Covent Garden
March 23rd: East Hackney Intelligenser
64 people were injured, 19 of them seriously, when a large group of Hofesh Shechter supporters stumbled into a Royal Ballet performance at Covent Garden in London apparently by mistake. Several ambulances, police cars and a dog unit were seen parked outside the capital's landmark Royal Opera House venue as beleaguered theatregoers made their way home following the carnage.
A source, who works at the theatre, said the "Shechter crew" all looked "young" and "awake" and this really got under the skin of the ROH's mostly octogenarian posse who didn't take too kindly to having their turf invaded. 24 year old Richard Crevisse of Porch Lane, who sells interval ice creams and hot packs, told us he wanted to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals and he wasn't authorised to speak about the incident. He is also listed in the phone book.
Other witnesses described what went on inside;
"Those kids just came waltzing in. Chatting quietly, smiling, taking their seats like they owned the place." Said a slightly overweight man in his summer tweeds! "The gentry just wouldn't stand for it. Canes were pointed, fingers wagged and colostomy bags were hurled, then things really got out of hand!"
Ushers rushed into the main auditorium en-masse in a vain attempt to quell the violence. Police were called and were quickly on the scene, within an hour or two, and they rapidly subdued the irate "Covent Gardeners" (as they are known locally) with pepper spray, tasers and pound cake! That evenings performance was running 4 hours late but most in the theatre had failed to notice.
For their part the Hofesh Shechter fans had managed to avoid serious injury by pulling off a few of their hero's signature moves during the malaise!
When the dust had settled dozens of arrests had been made and the incapacitated shuttled off to a local hospital. An official ROH spokesperson played down the incident;
"We normally cart a couple of dozen members of our audience of in ambulances and other less palatable conveyances during every show. Tonight was a good night, at least 98% of our patrons got through the evening alive!"
Hillary Pemberton-Shinebottom the Chairperson of the Covent Gardener's Starched Shirt Petit Foie Gras & Monocles Committee declined to comment on the incident.
Ballet Boyz Admit To Being "a bit crap!"
February 12th, Chipping Sodbury Morning Bugle
Following repeated requests for comment about the comments made in several publications that they were "pompous, self-congratulatory, stiff, uninteresting, over rated, over-exposed, condescending, desperate, a little bit thick!" and to top it all off "a crap cabaret act from North Korea" the "Boyz" finally snapped;
"Allright, allright, stop, we admit it!" sobbed a distraught William Trevitt. "I mean come one, who were we kidding. Going on stage in top hat and tails, those video projections, the tv shows, the books, the t-shirts, the coffee mugs and the Hello Kitty line of matching accessories! It was all a sham, a sham I tell you!". Mr Trevitt continued, wailing into his CoCo Pops™
A more circumspect Michael Nunn, the other "Boy", expanded on his partners comments;
"Look, we made a hash of the whole thing. I mean, A Rough Guide To Choreography! Who's stupid bloody idea was that? We just want to say sorry and that we're going away now, to think things through. Probably China, or North Korea, I hear they have a great cabaret scene!"
Blogging is a Funny Word
February 1st, West Mountain Rocky Morning Telegraph
A group of unnamed dance bloggers have admitted to meeting up in person for no other reason than to talk about blogging. When asked why they didn't just blog about blogging, one blogger, who looked a bit pale and declined to be identified or tell us the name of his blog, told us that "being a blogger and blogging is an isolating experience so it's good to meet other bloggers to share our blogging stories. And it gets us some attention, you know, for our blogs and we can extend our blogrolls!"
Our reporter revealed that the only reason he was writing a story about blogging and bloggers who meet up to talk about being bloggers and blogging was because he had a bet on with someone to see how often he could get away with writing the words, blog, blogger, blogged, and blogging (and their plural derivatives) in one story without being fired. Upon hearing that the blogger who had met up with his blogger friends to talk about bloggers blogging and blogging software sloped off muttering something about the "MSM"
The other bloggers at the blogger's blogger meeting for blogging bloggers declined to comment for this blog, er..... story!
Death by a Thousand Cuts
January 30th, West Midlands Post Bugler Morning News (Evening Edition)
Seven (7) local councillors in Birmingham are reported to have collapsed into some form of catatonic shock after reviewing a performance licence application from the Japanese company Karas.
The apparently hysterical illness came about because the live performance, known as 'Glass Tooth', will be performed on a floor covered in broken glass, real broken glass. Sources fear that the normally reserved politicians, used to dealing with traffic lights and the colour of warning signs for damp floors, were unable to comprehend, what one council member described as, "barm pot foreigners and their hedonistic ways" before promptly slipping back into unconsciousness.
Unnamed sources close to the issue told us that this type of mass panic has not occurred since the 'Running With Scissors' debacle in 2006. Several councillors spent four months in intensive care because they didn't realise it was only a film!
A spokesman for Karas told us; "等簡単にはいい表わせない。考えうるあらゆる事柄をVirgin Prunes的ロックを通して思考しはじめた" before skulking off shaking his head in disbelief!
Rambert Not Guilty
January 23rd, Stratford upon Avon Evening Telegraph
London based professional dance company Rambert has been found not guilty of being a contemporary dance company by the High Court in London this past Friday.
Unusually, the company itself was said to be relieved. A guilty verdict would have meant a drastic reduction in funding, less dancers, lower pay, more education work done by the dancers themselves, dancers rigging and striking the set and, most contentious of all, the loss of Director Mark Baldwin's golden throne of power!
The case was brought to the courts by Arts Council England. A Spokesperson for that organisation told us;
"We're really disappointed, we couldn't believe they're not a ballet company but come to think of it, we were also wrong about the whole butter thing!" "We're not useless either you know!" She yelled as our reporter walked away.
Rambert's PR people declined to comment muttering something about buying "gold polish" before wandering off.
Article19 Denies Censorship
January 10th, Sunderland Evening Bugler
Leading arts publication Article19 has denied censoring, heavily editing, or cutting mid-stream any and all arts stories that are, in their editor's words, "So boring they might actually kill somebody!"
Suspicions were raised by several arts practitioners who had noticed a distinct lack of coverage for Random Dance Company's new work... (snip...... Ed!)