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Christopher Wheeldon is the bright new hope for classical ballet. Some say he is the new Balanchine, some say "never heard of him!" when asked pointed questions. The following conversation between Mr Wheeldon and a bloke from Arts Council England never happened, but maybe it should have!

Hello Mr Wheeldon, please take a seat.

(flops into his seat) duuuuuuude!!, sup?, nice beard man!!

..................

I came to pick up my cheque?

Your cheque?

Yeah man for my, like, totally new dance company that's going to be so like wicked cool man, it's awsssssssome!! (giggles)

Is it now, well we can't just give you money Mr Wheeldon you have to fill in forms, follow procedures, provide re-assurances.

(looking upset) Duuuuuude! that's like so totally bogus man. I'm Chris Wheeldon, don't you know who I am maaaaan?

Not really, and stop calling me duuuuude! Look, why not tell me a little bit about your company, just for starters?

(Bouncing in his seat) Maaaaaaaaaan. First of all it's called 'Morphoses' dude which is just like, dude, the total limit of hotness in dance company names. I like, took the word 'Morph', which like totally means to change from one, like, thing into, ya know, another thing and added 'oses' onto the end because, man, I'm like Moses coming down the mountain and, dude. I amaze myself sometimes man, (pointing at his own head) I'm like so frikkin smart dude! (giggles).

...... indeed, what kind of dance is it?

(giggles) It's like, tooooooootaly ballet man but, you know, dude, more........ street (raises his hand and makes faux gangsta gesture)

(looking more dubious by the minute) Street Ballet?

(yelling) Duuuuuude, your like totally on my, you know, wavelength, we're like totally mind-melding™ man, I should like, call you Spock or something, you and me, we are one duuuuuude!

...........

(still grinning inanely) Man I haven't even told you the best part yet. We're like going to be based in New York and London at the same frikkin' time maaaaan (laughs hysterically).

............ Sounds fascinating, how much will this cost Mr Wheeldon?

Duude, like five million dollars (giggles) it's so frikkin expensive I love it. (giggles some more)

Five million! We can't give you five million of anything Mr Wheeldon, who do you think you are, The Royal Ballet?

(slightly deflated) But dude, my butt cheeks are like totally firm and muscular man!!!

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Judith Makrell, like totally digs my action man, all the ladies do!

I fail to see how that's relevant.

............. I'll tell my dad on you man!


(somewhat bemused) Your dad?

Yeah man, he'll like totally come down here and, like, yell at you and stuff.

I don't think that will help you either!

(Starts crying) But man, I like totally want to run my own dance company dude (starts sobbing) it's my dream!! (thumps desk and begins bawling uncontrollably)

...........

(yelling, sobbing and stomping his feet) I want, I want, I want ...........................

(feeling slightly uncomfortable) ....erm, maybe we can get some ice cream or something instead?

(looks up slowly through his reddened eyes) ...... dude sniff, like strawberry with chocolate sauce and sprinkles sniff?

Of course!

... sniff peanut M&M's?

(patting him on the back of the hand) Anything you want.

but, dude what about my dance company sniff?

Maybe next year huh? Christmas is coming soon (taking him by the hand and walking him to the door), maybe we can get you a pony?

Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!!!!!!

Mr Wheeldon never did get his pony!