A conversation between Liam Steel(e), from Stan Won't Dance and a bloke from Arts Council England back in the day. It didn't happen, but maybe it should have?

Hello Mr Steel(e) nice to see you, have a seat please.

Yeh! Nice to f***** see you, you f****** **** it's been a f****** while a******!

.......... er, yes it has Mr Steel(e) how can Arts Council help you today?

We need f****** money to make a muther-f****** dance piece. It's social commentary on f****** depravation and the breakdown of f****** polite discourse in a f****** social scene populated by w******, a******* and ****'s. ****'s like you actually, no f****** offence or anything!

(already feeling distinctly uncomfortable) non taken! ...... well that sounds........ interesting, anything else?

(maintaining a completely calm demeanor) F*** yes, it involves f****** sex, lot's of f****** sex, f****** violence, f****** misoginy, f****** booze, f****** drugs and some f****** goats, you don't even want to know what we are going to do with the f****** goats!

(now visibly upset, starts sipping from a glass of water) sounds very........ interesting!

Oh, and it's a f****** children's show, for f****** kids, ya know!

(almost chokes on his water and spits it all over Steel(e)) Are you sure such a thing is appropriate for children Mr Steel(e)?

(slowly licking the water from his face with an unusually long tongue!) Why wouldn't it be f****** appropriate for f****** children, f***!

I fear parents may have a problem with.... well all of it to be honest!

(looking puzzled) F****** parents what the f*** do parents know about their f****** children? I'm a f****** artist you f****** **** s****** a*****! No offence!

....... again................... non taken!

F***, can we at least do the f******* workshops?

(feeling he will almost certainly regret asking) What do they involve exactly?

Well we take the f******* goat and some fruit........

(shouting) NO NO NO, no you can't!

F***, can we have the f****** money then?

.............. F*** off!

Liam Steel(e) is now an advisor to Mothercare!