A conversation between Sebastian Coe (Lord), man in charge of the London Olympics for 2012, and the bloke from ACE, it didn't happen, but maybe it should have!

Hello Mr Coe, come in, sit down, nice to meet you, well sort of!

(wearing several London 2012 badges and holding dozens of helium filled balloons)....... yes nice to meet you, I thought we could have a little chat, you know.... about the Olympics.

I see, but the Olympics is sport and we don't fund sport here we fund Art that's why we have Art in our name dontcha' know!

......hmmm, I know but you're forgetting about the whole community/national spirit thing, power to the people, power to the little children and of course the opening ceremoney, lots of 'art' in the opening ceremoney, and don't forget the closing ceremoney!

Yes, but even here at ACE we know all that is a load of crap, we've read your publicity pack and to be honest we can't believe what you're getting away with, what else you got your Lordshipfullness?

Well yes the ceremoney, both of them, are a little gratuitous but they will be watched by 14 billion people!

Despite the fact only 6 billion people are on earth and most of them don't have a television eh? And stop saying 'ceremoney', your Jedi mind tricks won't work on me boy!

I was hoping you wouldn't notice that!

I'll bet!

But we're planning lots of dance and music related stuff, giant orchestras, ribbons, balloons, enormous foam rubber things and ballerinas dressed as tea cups!


Yes...... because it's quintessentially English

It's quintessentially a load of old pants my lad!

I was hoping you wouldn't notice that!

Look, the Olympics has billions of pounds to spend why do you need money from us?

Because we've spent it all on velodromes, toxic waste and flags!

Flags! WTF?

Yes flags, the dancers will wave them about during the opening ceremoney!

Stop it!

Sorry.............. can we have some cash then?

You can have £20million if you tell us how you get away with spending £8billion on something that lasts 2 weeks!


The Olympics are still going ahead in 2012, whether we like it or not!