Like the shockwaves extending out from a lone CocoPop dropped in a bowl full of milk the news that Assis Carriero, AD of Dance East, was leaving to become the AD of Ballet Flanders spread through the dance world like wildfire. (Houston, we have a mixed metaphor problem! Ed!)

Dance East published a press release that nobody read and statements were issued from ACE that nobody cared about.

The real story however is only just emerging about why the woman responsible for "Soil Dances", Rural Retreats™, "Come Dance With Me", a dance building that resembles a super-max prison from a bad science fiction film and more "receptions with the ambassador" than we care to remember is suddenly leaving for a post she has no obvious qualifications for.

Article19 has received copies of private emails and Skype™ chat transcripts between the Dark Forces™ of the arts and their international contacts around the world as they attempt to "offload" the divisive AD in the most obvious case of NIMBYism we, here in TheLab™, have ever witnessed.

To avoid detection from the Freedom of Information Act the Dark Forces™ used their personal email addresses and code names. Alan "Wavey" Davey and Janet "JaJa" Archer both from ACE are involved and Ms Carriero is referred to throughout as, bizarrely, "Princess Buttercup".

The names of the international contacts and others have been redacted to protect the unfortunate, the put-upon, the guilty and people who have to live in Ipswich! We have also censored the more extreme bad language, these guys know how to curse!

From: Alan Davey ([email protected])
Subject: Princess Buttercup
Date: 10 August 2012 10:15:12 BST
To: Janet Archer ([email protected])


F*** F*** F***, dude, it's all gone pear shaped. The planets are in alignment, the moon has become blood and I tossed my bones last night and the resulting pattern was unspeakable.

Buttercup has to go, Com(sic) dance with me was the last straw, I mean, WTF was that about? I have more fun tossing my bones with a broken hand.

Suggestions? Ideas?

Wavey D.

From: Janet Archer ([email protected])
Subject: re: Princess Buttercup
Date: 10 August 2012 11:15:12 BST
To: Alan Davey ([email protected])

FFS man, gross! LMFAO ;o]

But yeah man, people are getting suspicious that the fix is in, if you know what I mean? If we push her out though there could be trouble, we might need to get creative. I'm thinking a fact finding trip to Italy and an unfortunate grape accident on a vineyard, if you know what I mean? ROFL ;o)



Sent from my Blackberry™

From: Alan Davey ([email protected])
Subject: re: re: Princess Buttercup
Date: 10 August 2012 13:34:12 BST
To: Janet Archer ([email protected])


F******* grape accident, love it, absolutely f****** love it. :o() Too on the nose though, too many questions from the plebs, I'm thinking we foist her on some other lot, not too far away though, need to keep an eye on her, just in case.

The mainland somewhere, perhaps Holland, that lot are always off their face anyway, doubt anybody would f****** notice! ROFL!

Got our tickets to the final Twilight BTW, gonna miss Edward, those cheekbones...... LOL

Wavey D.

From: Janet Archer ([email protected])
Subject: re: re: re: Princess Buttercup
Date: 10 August 2012 16:35:11 BST
To: Alan Davey ([email protected])

Brilliant, f****** brilliant, yeah, Europe. I'll start the ball rolling, let Buttercup know her goose is cooked, she(sic) no longer part of "the family", hahaaaaaa ;o)

Yeah, Twilight, awesome, you gotta total man-crush LMFAO :P



Sent from my Blackberry™

Transcript: Skype V5.0112 "jajabinks1010" ([email protected]) and "bunnykiller666" ([email protected]). Started on 11 August, 2012 at 14:56:12 BST

jajabinks1010: what's up Buttercup?
bunnykiller666: j. darling, all is good, my Dalmatian puppy collection is coming along famously, my new coat is going to be simply divine...
jajabinks1010: that's some f***** up s*** right there but yeah? sure, ok, whatever!
bunnykiller666: ****** ** *** ******
jajabinks1010: nice talk, anyway, we've decided it's time for you to make a horizontal career move, you know, anywhere else but here.
bunnykiller666: *** ******* *** *** ****** *** ***** **** * ***** circus clown *****!
jajabinks1010: **** *****
bunnykiller666: *** *** * ******* soap dish *****
jajabinks1010: ** ** ****** * ******* ****** ******** toilet brush!
bunnykiller666: ****
jajabinks1010: **** * ****
bunnykiller666: ?
jajabinks1010: you know what I mean!
bunnykiller666: *****
jajabinks1010: look, it's f****** done, we're going to do it real quite like, not in public cos that would be humiliating and unfair.
bunnykiller666: **** *** *** ******* ****
jajabinks1010: you wish!
bunnykiller666: *** ********* **** ** **** * ********
jajabinks1010: **** **** *******!!!!!!
bunnykiller666: ****
jajabinks1010: we'll be in touch, don't go anywhere and don't start reading any long f****** books!
bunnykiller666: **** **** ** *****
jajabinks1010: so, lunch on Thursday?
bunnykiller666: sure, my treat darling!

transcript ends---

From: Janet Archer ([email protected])
Subject: Buttered Toast Toast
Date: 12 August 2012 17:15:12 BST
To: Alan Davey ([email protected])

It's done, f***, that woman talks like a drunken sailor with tourettes and the genetic inability to use any words that don't contain the letters "...uck", ROFL :o{}

let's get this thing done!



Sent from my Blackberry™

From: Alan Davey ([email protected])
Subject: The Buttercup Redaction
Date: 13 August 2012 09:34:12 BST
To: ***** ************ (********

Hello ***** you ***** ******* ****

Look, we're calling in all our favours, you owe big for the last tour of Nederland Dans Theater 2, that's the last f****** time you make me sit in a theatre for 3 hours watching people run around in their pants btw!!

We're moving Buttercup, it's time, things are heating up and we gotta drop the dead weight so tag, you're it!!

Nice work on the arts cuts by the way, you made me proud!

Wavey D.

From: ***** ************ (********
Subject: re: The Buttercup Redaction
Date: 13 August 2012 10:12:10 BST
To: Alan Davey ([email protected])

F*** you Wavey D.

You had to sit through that show once? I had to sit through it 6 f****** times and even then we're not taking Buttercup, no way no how.

Get the Dark Arts™ on Skype, and f*** you on the arts cuts too

***** ** *****

***** ************
Head of Cultural Affairs
Royal Dutch Embassy

Transcript: Skype V5.1.928349 basketcase112" ([email protected]) and [multiple recipients]. Started on 13 August 2012 at 16.45.12 BST.

basketcase112: Are we all here..... good, now we need to offload Buttercup and you all, and I mean all of you owe us, somebody take her on or so help me........
Sweden: hahahhaaaaaaaa fo-shizzle wavey d. no way!
Denmark: Nej
Germany: What Sweden said!
France: What Germany said!
Spain: What France said!
basketcase112: I suppose you think this is funny!
Greece: Yeah, actually it's f****** hilarious!
France: What Greece said!
Germany: What France said!
Austria: bwahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Portugal: What Austria said!
Sweden: ;oP
Germany: What Sweden said! ;o)
Sweden: Lol, right back at you :o{}
basketcase112: tossers!
Slovenia: Well you would know, what with your bones and all!
France: What Slovenia Said!
Germany: What France Said!
Portugal: What Germany Said!
Austria: ROFLMAO!!! :O{}
basketcase112: wait, where the f*** is Belgium?
Denmark: You know what that lot are like, won't take part in anything unless it's in 14 different languages!
Portugal: What Denmark said!
France: What Portugal said!

Transcript ends at: 16.47.12 BST

From: Assis Carriero ([email protected])
Subject: Ninja Skills
Date: 14 August 2012 17:01:10 BST
To: Alan Davey ([email protected])

You *****

I'm hearing rumours about Belgium, I f******* hate Belgium, ATK has Ninja skills, she's gonna f*******(sic) Nija(sic) me!

I *** ******* ** ****** ** ******* *** ****** ****** you b*******!



From: Janet Archer ([email protected])
Subject: re: Ninja Skills
Date: 14 August 2012 17:08:10 BST
To: Assis Carriero ([email protected])

Sup Buttercup?

Relax, we would never send anyone to Belgium FFS!





Sent from my Blackberry™

Transcript: Skype V5.1.928349 basketcase112" ([email protected]) and ********************. Started on 14 August 2012 17:09:11 BST

basketcase112: ok, where the f*** were you guys huh? you know what we wanted to talk about, b*******!
Belgium: because we know what you wanted to talk about!
basketcase112: You gotta take her!
Belgium: can't help you, sorry!
basketcase112: What about that dance company, you know, the one you completely f***** up!
Belgium: Royal Ballet of Flanders?
basketcase112: Yeah, whatever?
Belgium: is buttercup trained in dance?
basketcase112: No!
Belgium: is she trained in choreography?
basketcase112: No!
Belgium: does she have any discernible skills whatsoever that would be advantageous to running a dance company?
basketcase112: No!
Belgium: perfect, let me make a phone call.
Belgium: We'll take her if you hand over €500,000 and a years supply of pork pies!
basketcase112: Let me make a phone call.
basketcase112: We'll give you 50 quid and a money off voucher for a ploughman's lunch.
Belgium: Sold!

From: Alan Davey ([email protected])
Subject: Ploughmans Lunch
Date: 14 August 2012 17:50:12 BST
To: Janet Archer ([email protected])

It's done, we got a bargain, 50 notes and a ploughman's voucher, knew having Morrisons cafe chain on the tab would come in handy.

Break the news, and no first class to Brussels either, back of a truck going in the right direction will be fine!

Only 10 more sleeps until Edward..... LOLS

Wavey D.

From: Janet Archer ([email protected])
Subject: re: Ploughmans Lunch
Date: 14 August 2012 17:50:12 BST
To: Alan Davey ([email protected])


getting Buttercup up on Skype as I type this, a bad job done well.

LOL on Edward, Popcorn and Twizzlers are on me!



Sent from my Blackberry™

Transcript: Skype V5.0112 "jajabinks1010" ([email protected]) and "bunnykiller666" ([email protected]). Started on 14 August, 2012 at 17:56:12 BST

jajabinks1010: sup Buttercup?
bunnykiller666: don't play nice with me **** ** ****** * ***** *** ******* *** **** toilet!
jajabinks1010: charming as always!
bunnykiller666: *****!
jajabinks1010: we got you a new gig, Ballet Flanders, the locals broke it and ruined it, what could go wrong!
bunnykiller666: f****** Belgium! I'm not going to Belgium, you know why they say "what happens in Belgium stays in Belgium?" Because nothing ever f****** happens in f****** Belgium!
jajabinks1010: Dude, LMFAO, 13 years in Ipswich and not much happened their (sic) either, so nothings changed huh, LOL!
bunnykiller666: ******* * *** * ******** **** * ****** *
jajabinks1010: ******?!?!
bunnykiller666: ********!
jajabinks1010: yeah, send us a postcard!
bunnykiller666: **** ** ****** ***** *** *** ** ***********
jajabinks1010: so, Lunch on Thursday!
bunnykiller666: sure thing, my treat!

From: Janet Archer ([email protected])
Subject: Buttercup Interrupted
Date: 14 August 2012 18:10:12 BST
To: Alan Davey ([email protected])


It's done, no loose ends, bring on Twilight m*********** LMFAO ;o{}.



Sent from my Blackberry™

From: Alan Davey ([email protected])
Subject: re: Buttercup Interrupted
Date: 14 August 2012 18:15:12 BST
To: Janet Archer ([email protected])

F******* awesome dude, we tied that up real nice, now, how do we deal with f****** Balssupgetty?

And that, dear readers, is how it all went down, honest!