Part three of our completely accurate and ultimately useless directory of information on the worlds top dance makers continues with yet another installment in the series that refuses to lay down and die.
Finding the skinny on todays creative types is a little bit hard. They don't have MySpace pages and they are notoriously uncooperative when you knock on their door at 5am demanding answers which is a little unreasonable if you ask us.
So all you dance students fire up your notebooks for the undisputed facts on the best and the brightest in todays wacky world of dance.
Biog: Known as the 'Tank Girl' of the dance world (although more for her resilience than the for the fact she lives in a tank, which she doesn't). Learned her craft in the salt mines of a Siberian labour camp after being imprisoned there by ACE for being 'talented'. Upon her escape she went on to make some rather good dance theatre, think of her as a classy, female Lloyd Newson.
Showing her touring metal at present by traveling with three shows all at the same time. Recently returned to prison, as a guest, to teach the inmates the finer points of dance, such as jumping really high and how to climb stuff. The prison authorities were not amused.
Her most prestigious achievement to date is having three different pieces featured on Article19, which Ms Vincent will readily admit to if asked (allegedly).
Feared by many of the London Dance Mafia because her company is based in Sheffield and they don't know where that is.
Looks Like: Tank Girl, but with more hair.
Daemon: Snow Leopard
What to say: Yes of course I'll get out of your way.
What not to say: What are you looking at?
Biog: Probably best know for creating choreography for Kylie Minogue which is a bit weird because Ms Minogue can't dance (she can't sing either but that's another issue). Famously won the first ever Place Prize which was a feat acknowledged by the 35 people who read the Guardian's arts pages.
Also won various other awards which means he's either really good at choreography, has a lot of money for bribes or should stop entering competitions and do some bloody touring!
His commercial leanings are of little surprise since he trained at the London Studio Centre. We'll say no more about a place that has a picture of a guy in a bowler hat on the front page of its website. Went from there to dance with a company nobody ever heard of and then onto Rambert which more than a few folks have heard of.
Here in TheLab™ we have never seen his work live, only in a small video on The Place's website, which kind of emphasises the whole 'stop entering competitions and do some bloody touring' quip!
Looks Like: Milhouse
What to say: Step ball change, Jazz hands!!
What not to say: Can we go on bloody tour already!
Biog: Without doubt the most laid back man in dance making. His work never accelerates beyond third gear because as far as he's concerned time is endless and what's the damn rush all of a sudden?
Trained at the Rambert School back in the day but soon got that nonsense out of his head and started doing something more interesting. Once used music created by recording the sound power lines make in Australia, we're not making this up you know! Although the power line thing could be ever so slightly inaccurate (they might have been in the USA!)
Best thing to do at one of his shows is make sure you have a comfy chair with you, a hot mug of Horlicks and some custard creams. Then just kick back and let it happen because this guy is the antidote to Random the world has been crying out for.
Looks Like: Alan Rickman
Daemon: The giant tortoise from Neverending Story
What to say: smooooooooooooth
What not to say: annnnnnnnd JAZZ HANDS!!
Biog: Doyen of the Royal Ballet School and the company that bears its name which makes it all the more surprising to learn that he's the resident choreographer of the New York City Ballet. It took just 2 years in the UK's biggest ballet company to make him run for it!
Subject of unrelenting fawning by the arts media who have awarded him the title of 'Best Thing In The World Ever'. He likes to talk about his 'Buns Of Steel' award from Judith Mackrell a lot less though!
Soon to branch out all on his own with an, as yet, unfunded, transatlantic dance company where he has promised to pinch all the good dancers from both NYCB and Royal Ballet for his own shows.
Rumours that NYCB are calling in some favours from their friends in New Jersey to fit him with a pair concrete ballet shoes are either completely unfounded or from a really bad Soprano's script.
Does not look forward to valentines day because all the flowers, chocolates and saucy limericks from Judith Mackrell are just getting embarrassing.
Looks Like: An extra from Pirates of the Caribbean
What to say: Of course you can have $4,000,000 to run your new company.
What not say: $4,000,000 to run your new company? Idiot boy!!
Biog: If you don't know Merce then you haven't lived. Perhaps the oldest, living, dance maker on planet earth. Learned his craft back in the day when color TV, polyester and SpongeBob SquarePants were the stuff of science fiction.
His work is almost completely unfathomable, although less so than William Forsythe's, and younger dance audiences tend to shy away from his work because, lets face it, they have lives to get on with.
Chance, crazy music and unitards all play a part in his work and none of it is intended to be even remotely ironic! Spawned the titular 'Cunningham Technique' which isn't really a technique at all but it's bloody hard and doesn't involve rolling around on the floor at all.
Most famous for getting Article19 into trouble (allegedly) when we wrote a joke about him being compared to dead dance makers and some prat at the Arts Council thought we said he was no longer alive. Those were the days.
Looks Like: Crazy Uncle Erle
Daemon: Argentinosaurus huinculensis
What to say: Unitards look great, especially in puce!
What not to say: Fancy a jog?
Biog: Belgian dance maker most famous for his piece 'What The Body Does Not Remember' which included the performers lobbing breeze blocks (big bricks to you and me) around the stage.
Very popular during the whole 'Euro Crash' thing. The work was entertaining to watch if for no other reason than sadistic voyeurism because many in the audience were hoping one of the dancers would get clobbered by a flying piece of masonry.
Studied psychology back in the day but rejected its teachings because he wanted to study the relationship between 'body and spirit' or he got bored and wanted to watch cartoons, we can't remember which.
Described as a dancer, choreographer, film maker, photographer and pastry chef in his official press materials. We have never seen one of his films but his custard tarts are to die for!
Looks Like: The bloke from Dexy's Midnight Runners (ask your parents)
What to say: Gimme a Custard Tart!
What not to say: Come on Eileen!!