Since it's April we felt, here in The Lab™, that it was time to use our often vaunted clairvoyant skills (or mental illness as some call it, Ed!) to see what might be happening in the wacky world of dance over the next 8 months. Some of it's good, some of it's bad, but it's all completely surreal (or just made up! Ed!)

May - ACE on Film

The Dance Dept. at Arts Council in London admit defeat and publicly state they are useless at commissioning films. They promise to never ever do it again after the completion of their most recent effort, Harry Potter and The Half Cut Choreographer, where the boy wizard curtails the antics of Lord Voldermort using the medium of dance and creative movement workshops! Audience riots following the premiere take 400 police officers 3 days to suppress.

In Addition: The bloke who last year completed a project where-by he walked across London Bridge very, very slowly calls a press conference to announce the follow up project, Walking Across London Bridge Very, Very Slowly, Backwards..................... He is immediately set upon by the assembled media, never to be heard from again!

June - Dance UK Crime Family

DanceUK is wound up after several members of staff are arrested when their plan for solving the jobs crisis for professional dancers is revealed. According to court documents; Sian "Knuckles" Kendall and Katy "Mutton Chops" Spicer were conspiring to "rub out" every second dancer in their member list thereby easing the strain on the jobs market.

They also deny attempting to supply drugs to raise money for health care after they were caught selling a London based dance maker 300 boxes of Persil (non biological) claiming he simply wanted to wash some costumes and they were only to happy to oblige. Said dance maker appears at their trial at the Old Bailey in clothes that are whiter than white but that doesn't explain why his nostrils are 13 inches in diameter!

Det Inspector Frank "The Filth" Fletcher declares the motley crew of criminals "the stupidest crime gang in history". The Lavender Hill Mafia were given up by Helen "The Hat" Laws when she buckled under questioning.

In Addition: Akram Khan calls a press conference where he announces his new work, a 3 hour exposition on the second coming of Buddha with 2 hours of spoken monologue in iambic pentameter with no intermission for the all standing audience. He is immediately set upon by the assembled media, never to be heard from again!

July - Merce Living A Lie!

Merce Cunningham announces in the New York Times that his entire career has been a running joke engineered to, using his own words, "piss people off", especially hapless dance students studying his work for dance history. Cunningham admits that he "always hated dance students because they made fun of his hair when he was training and this was my revenge" said the 348 year old dance maker. Apparently the idea was to keep it up through the 60's and 70's when nobody would notice because pretty much everything was a bit crap back then but he kept going as the bucket loads of cash just kept rolling in.

August - Post Modern Is Back!

A determined group of dance makers declare a 'return to the golden era of Post Modernism'. They begin plotting months of site specific performances involving nothing more than 'dancers' standing around muttering to themselves about 'introspection' whilst rolling around the outside edges of any room they happen to be in at the time. Randomly throwing flowers into the air at any given moment is also high on the 'creative' agenda. Arts Council announces that all money given to dance will have to include 'a certain level of complete bollocks' in order to receive funding. Some media pundits muse 'what else is new?'

Trisha Brown denies it is anything to do with her despite being caught red handed wearing an Epson™ slide projector on her back whilst standing on a rooftop in New York choreographing her dancers on top of adjacent buildings using a mixture of semaphore and screaming in hebrew!

September - NDA Overdose

During an all weekend party in Chipping Sodbury the directors of the National Dance Agency (NDA) network in the UK join forces and declare their allegiance to the forces of darkness (or Arts Council). The assembled directors construct a huge white tower, with a massive elephant on top, from styrofoam and, for reasons past understanding, order their employees to start chopping down all the trees in the land! The madness is broken up by a large police raid and they determine that the whole fiasco was caused by the directors overdosing on Fruit Polo's™. The dance community is unsympathetic!

In Addition: Wayne McGreogor announces his latest work, titled IGNU, at a press conference. The work involves an in-depth study on the workings of nerve endings when subjected to a 4000 volt electric shock whilst the victim is watching Random's previous performance AMU. Movement will be derived from video tapings of the ensuing spasm's! Mr Mcgregor continues to talk seemingly oblivious to the sound of axes being sharpened by the assembled media, he is never heard from again!

October - DCMS Meltdown

The Department for Culture Media and Sport (DCMS) produces the findings of its first meeting of the Dance Forum to an assembled throng of progressive dance makers in London. The Forum declares their big idea for dance is;

"To formulate the notion of the ability of movement orientated forms to cross fertalise and integrate in the long term, and in no uncertain terms, the formulas, idioms and functions of cross cutting agendas within a finite construct of limited core, monetary outlay to sectors within society lacking pre-disposed notions or constructs of self reliance and development within a finite construct of limited core monetary outlay for a infinite period of time as providers continue to facilitate that core outlay to others requiring core outlay for very little in monetary core outlay."

Or, dancers continue providing 50,000 workshops to poor people a year for crap pay, no prospects and no job satisfaction.

The Dance Forum are set upon by the assembled dance makers and are never heard from again!

November - Video iACE™

Arts Council England announces that it has a master plan to get dance into the hands of millions. They will send out Video iPods™ to all the school children in the land featuring an eclectic mix of dance works from ages past. ACE say they have absolute confidence the plan will work, sadly it's so expensive that all dancers will have to be fired to pay for it only the administrators will be kept on to box up the iPods and ship them out. ACE chief Peter Hewitt says the plan is 'perfect', since 'who needs actual dancers when you can watch it all on your iPod?'

Arts Council's Headquarters is last seen aflame and Mr Hewitt is never heard from again, progressive dance makers cannot account for their whereabouts during this time! The iPod plan never happens, Apple Computer announce a 29% drop in their share price but deny having anything to do with the plan!

December - Hope With Weapons!

Christmas approaches with ACE burned to the ground, McGregor, Khan and that bloke with the slow walking missing presumed pretentious and the site specific crowd routed and shipped of to Belarus, the dance making progressive's approach the holiday season with an air of hope keeping one eye on their presents and the other on the heavy weapons!

In Addition: A visibly nervous Kevin Finnan of Motionhouse announces the company's latest work, 'Driven', to the assembled media. Explaining that the work is about the goings on inside a late 60's Ford Cortina and something else to do with 'time', he says whilst keeping one foot firmly in the aisle.

The assembled media leave the press conference muttering something about the work 'being good or else!'