I have been wanting to blog about this for a while as not sure how to go about it without sounding like I have a big auld chip on my shoulder! I am not sure I do but I am a bit annoyed by the situation.

So back in the Autumn I took a job with a company even though I knew that what I was getting paid was not very much but I just assumed everyone was getting paid the same. During the process it came out that actually I (and another girl) was getting paid a third of what the others were getting paid. When I first found this out I was devastated because I felt they didn't think I was worth it. That I wasn't professional enough. But then I remembered that when I was first asked they were actually really embarressed about the amount of money available. I also took into account that I have known this person for years and it was kind of a favour. I also assumed that when the company could pay me properly they would.

Anyway, the project was okay. I got over it and they seemed really keen to work with me again so I felt I had handled the situation really well. Although I never said anything to them at the time I just worked as hard as I always would and got on with it. (In hind sight now I think maybe I should have brought it up.)

So recently a new project has come up and I wasn't asked to do it, which is fine as I am not a man! But there was a time when the company couldn't find anyone and were very desperate and the choreographer sent an email around wanting anyone male or female.

I had heard from the other person in the piece that I had been mentioned so I literally threw myself at them..... naked........ with blood pouring out of my heart ha! ! Cosmically- it also fit around all my own projects perfectly date for date. Seemed too good to be true (ironically it was).

It kind of felt to me that the company simply didn't want to employ me because it would mean having to pay me properly and as I had danced for them for pittence before It feels like they didn't think I was worth it. That they just needed a cheap dancer before and got one. Plus it looked good for the funding because I was from the same city. WOW I AM BITTER! haha! jokes!

So, even though the competitive person in me didn't want to, I still sent out an email to my friends (for a second time- as I had done a facebook mail round aswell as asking any friends I thought were suitable). In the end one of my contacts got the job!! SO in a way I SAVED THE COMPANY'S ASS, but do you think I got a thanks! NO! Well I did email them asking if my emails worked and then I got a wee thanks, but I don't think I would of if I hadn't of asked. Actually the person who got the job hasn't even thanked me.

OK I don't need a thanks I know but I just feel a bit used. Ya know? I feel like they have just taken what they needed for themselves and were not concerned about what they left behind. I feel like this vicious circle that I was warned about has come around and bit me in the ass. When I first started (this time last year) people told me to not work for free because then people will never pay dancers because they will think they can get free labour and so on. But my attitude was always well I have to start somewhere!

I think what has annoyed me the most is that I always thought I chose wisely about the people I worked for, for free. I thought what I was investing in them what they would in me. In my opinion this was an opportunity for this company to pay me back for working for them for nout because they know me and because they had no-one else.

However in their defense I wasn't right for the job so why should they change their artistic vision to help out a friend!!

I am just hating this feeling I have in the pit of my stomach. It feels like someone has done me over. Like I have been taken advantage of. It also makes me feel like a bad person having such negative feelings towards a situation. I don't like it. Someone said to me once that you only ever have those feelings when your gut instinct is telling you something. I really want to believe that this company did want me and that they weren't just using me but my intuition is telling me that they were. And that doesn't feel too nice, plus there is another person who I always feel I have got to be on my toes with and well I shouldn't feel like that because I know some people who have gotten me work and me for them and we thank each other and appreciate it all and we don't take credit without recognising why we are at a certain place. We are still competing against each other for jobs but we still look out for each other. No funny feelings in the pit of my stomach. I feel comfortable with them getting work over me and vice versa I am sure. Its all part of the game.

I know I have a lot of people to thank for getting me lots of the work that I am doing and have done and you know what I do thank them. I don't just take what I need from a situation and run away going 'WOOOOOO Look at what I did.' Never thats just not me.

I think I just need to stay away from this kind of energy, and when I get jealous of them or this feeling in my stomach comes back, I need to just remember the good things and people in my life who do believe in me and do think I am worth it. These situations just make me want to prove to them how much of a rock star I can be, therefore making me stronger. So more fool them and just watch this space.

S x