to not do anymore jobs for free unless I am really passionate about working with that person or the project.

Yes I think I have come of age now and I am going to take the next year to do some hard core auditioning. It's time. My attitude has always been well I'd rather be doing something rather than nothing but ya know I think I have done my fair share. I don't know why but I just feel it is time. Weird and I am feeling really calm about it all.

I was involved in an amazing project at the V&A last week and I really enjoyed every single minute of rehearsals and I probably would have done that for free. However getting money (expenses) at the end really gave me the extra boost. It may not have been much but it was something. And it made me feel more.... 'worthy'.

This show 'No Yesterdays on the Road' choreographed by Jessie Brett was such an amazing experience. I can't really describe it. We were performing at a V&A late and the theme for the night was Renaissance Ball. So all the audience were dressed up in big costumes and wigs and watching us through masks and we were performing in the Raphael Room which has his huge 16th century paintings on the walls. Plus the music we were dancing to was played live by three Cellists. The atmosphere was to die for. It was the best.

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It made me feel so happy to be doing what I do. I want to feel like this all the time when I perform. Its funny because I have been learning over the past few months that there is a point when you realise that what you are doing has become an actual job! No longer is it something you do because you just enjoy it. It is actually a big responsibility. I messed up one of the three runs and it really annoyed me because I shouldn't be making mistakes. Right? I'm professional dontcha know? I think experience is also supposed to lead you to feel more calm about accepting mistakes. Next show i'll work on that. Belief in yourself is the key.

A friend of mine had a piece in Resolution! last week and the smile on his face after the piece finished was the best ever. He knew he and his dancers had done a great job and it really didnt matter what anyone was going to say. I wondered to myself what his thoughts were about it being a job or whether it was still all new and exciting for him. It made me happy seeing him so happy and chuffed with himself. I miss that. I am not sure if I have lost that or whether I am suppressing it because of the pressure I put myself under. Of course I always enjoy it but as I said before there comes a time, or I feel there comes a time, when you do it because its a job. Am i going mad?

It made me think of how my past few performance jobs have made me make the jump. First of all with Off The Map, before our 2 week stint at the Fringe we performed a few shows in Bath, Cambridge and somewhere else (I cant remember!) and the sense of pressure I had on myself because it was serious. Not just for fun. I had been asked to this and I had to pull it off. Steve the choreographer wasn't at the time a big friend and I had only been getting to know him because of the piece. So the fact I had been asked to do it was not only an honour but I felt the pressure. Then with Cilgwyn it was very much work too. Three weeks of performing and each night needing to find ways of keeping it real and alive. Not getting complacent. I am lucky because I always get nervous before a show.

I think I will worry when I begin to not feel the butterflies.

Untill then I am applying and getting myself out there. My friends I think a new stage of my career has begun.

S x

Ps however before I retire into a paid working life I shall be performing in a Resolution! piece next week on Tuesday 9th Feb 2010. Air Punch Dance Company View flyer

and on Wed Feb 24th in a site specific piece for Organized Chaos at The Place.