Done and Dusted! Should be happy right? Feeling joyous- yes? Feeling fulfilled- yes? Unfortunately this is not the case. Huge anti-climax- yes. Unsatisfied- yes. Disappointed- yes! It wasn't good enough.

These feeling are my own fault I suppose as I was trying to watch it from an outsiders perspective asking myself questions like: Does this look studenty? and..... Actually that was the only question I was asking myself- as that was my biggest insecurity. Maybe if I had watched it from MY perspective I may have enjoyed it. I thought that when you watch your final work you are supposed to just sit down and enjoy it. I tried but I couldn't! I didn't enjoy it.

Also the whole feeling of how people make judgments and also well it's being reviewed! One review is in, not so bad and I agreed with her comment that the speaking was introduced too late and not developed. I felt that whilst watching last night. During the process whilst choreographing it I was thinking the speaking was too studenty so I cut it short!

Next project - I'm just going to do what I bloody want and ignore my brain! (easier said then done).

May I ask does this get easier? I made work for me and my dancers then all of a sudden it became about something else it became about Resolution! and about what others thought. Horribleness! BUT I do think that's my own lack of experience in the big bad world and lack of a hard skin.

Why should I care? I didn't need a hard skin. I was surrounded by loads of my beautiful friends offering amazing thoughts and appreciation. I really am thankful for that but it didn't stop my brain shouting at me in disappointment 'this isn't good enough Blanc!'

I was just watching my piece and as an 'outside' person and I only liked parts of it. Cringed at others and well thought some decisions were not good. (note to self- they were your decisions).

So yes there you have it. My Resolution! 2009 experience is now OVER. Pure!

Next project starts next week with the Collective. Me, A guitarist and a drummer. Anyways, I must shoot now as I have rehearsals with Marguerite.

Life not too bad after all. Just need to keep on going. Such a trooper Blanc! (thanks :-) Note to self- must stop speaking to yourself.


S x