....like you just dont have time to digest? I really want to make the most of my opportunities but dont feel i have enough time to properly swallow and taste everything. I suppose when I am not busy I am starving but right now I feel stuffed with so many 'tasty dishes'.
Last week with the FOX was just what i needed. Reaffirmed my faith in the Lord of the dance. I was in my element and really felt like I was part of something special. On the Friday we had a sharing of what we had done over the week and I felt so much pressure from, well, myself! Although it was informal and Victoria had said to us not to stress, but I felt I wanted to prove to myself and I suppose (although i don't like to admit it out loud) to her and everyone that I deserved to be there.
I don't really like this feeling but I think it comes with the job. We are constantly as dancers trying to prove our worth and that our existence within the realm of the dance world is worth while because the competition is constant. I do think there is a difference, though, between artists that do it for the love of it but yet still strive to prove their worth in a very open selfless way (which i know may be a contradiction but just go with me) and artists who basically cant function unless they feel needed or appreciated and only work to please others. How tiring would it be to only feel worthwhile when you receive other peoples positive comments and appreciation if you cant find it for yourself, for yourself?
I know that art is not selfless at all it is a very selfish but self-fulfilling way of life and I feel the difference lies in how you approach it.
I have learnt that in the past few days, and I know what kind of artist I want to be. I don't want to be constantly seeking people to praise me or want to feel that I exist only if i receive blatant appreciation because well thats just annoying. An ego like that is very heavy and very hard to prop up all the time. Hence why people like that crumble so easily. I do believe that we should as artists support each other and give each other positive feedback even if it is something really small like 'I really think your demi pointe had gotten better on your right foot', as we need it of course, but it should feed us and our energy in continuing our work and not provide us with the air that we breathe.
As I have said before all the very successful and established artists that I have met are on the majority very humble, nice and giving people with egos nowhere to be seen, or at least kept at bay until they need to be unleashed, because lets face it no one is perfect.
Victoria Fox and her company (Welly and Jason) who all have had amazingly great careers are all so down to earth and didn't look down at me -the wee trainee. I met such great people last week. I dont think anyone will understand how much last week meant to me and my soul (wanky!-i know but kum-by-ya my lord of the dance)
Another thing I have learnt about myself which I feel is down to being in the dance world is the fact that I sometimes try and prove myself the most to people that are just not interested or people that make me feel bad about myself. How stupid?? Even though I know they like me as a person but that I am just not right for them as dancer I need to learn to not to take it personally. However I think it is normal but as I stated before we all want to be accepted but Vrrrrrrrooooooommmmm (thats me on my learning curve) I don't want to be that defensive person.
beep beep out of my way!! lol