I want a nutritionist! Anyone know of any good ones??

I am sick of not eating right. I know I should just do it but my head just keeps telling me no you cant eat that with that or at this time and if you eat that it means you will die but if you eat before this time your body will be able to absorb it and then ultimately you will live forever and never get cancer or be fat.......

here are most of the rules I argue with myself over everyday:

dont eat fruit with any other food. its too acidic
dont eat carbs in the evening
dont eat carbs at all
eat meat
dont eat red meat
only eat organic chicken
dont eat out of season veg
dont eat chocolate
do eat chocolate
dont mix food groups
dont eat tangerines they have fat in them
try the aitkins diet
gluten is bad
eat soya
dont fry things
dont ever feel full
always eat when you are hungry
have 3 meals a day dont snack
eat 5 small meals a day
never let yourself feel hungry
my fave: if your body is craving a certain food then eat it (what if all I crave is chocolate??.... done!)

I mean SOME of it makes sense, but what is the right combination of rules to live by??

Oh my its all too much.... im off to eat some air and water. Safe that way. Soon my Victoria Beckham will emerge from my Vicky Pollard.

S x