It is becoming increasingly more clear that no matter how successful or how many jobs you get you never actually reach a point of self satisfaction. This may sound like such a ludicrously simple and easy concept to not have believed before so sorry if I offend you by my naivety. Being around artists, either assisting or dancing with, of whom I would consider as top notch totty of the dance world I realise that the same mentality you find during college times still feeds the same scenarios eg. The sharings of a creative task you always think yours is the worst one or comparing yourself during costume fittings.

During the creation of beardies it took me a while to really believe I deserved to be there. I had to keep reminding myself I auditioned, I got the job therefore they want me. It is hard though to really know your worth when there always seems to be millions more better dancers out there.

Why do we do it to ourselves?

When I was training in Scotland I used to finish every exercise and every piece of material with a shake of my head and looking at the floor I would apologise and say that was so shit. It was like I felt bad for them to have had to witness what I had just presented. It wasn't until during a rehearsal that a girl from the class above said if you keep saying things are shit then everyone will just keep thinking you are shit- which I took as a well earned "aka it's boring listening to you moan".

Anyway if I could find a way to create sone kind of confidence love bug that I could inject in to all dancers I would. But till then let's keep killing ourselves to get to the top.


S x