So its been nearly TWO years since I have been out in this big world of bad dance.
And what am I thinking??
Well its hard, its amazing, its fulfilling, its soul destroying but also soul lifting. I enjoy waking up every morning but never get enough sleep. I have to be constantly thinking 5 months ahead to make sure rent is on the incoming trail. I have to be my own PA, masseuse, life coach and accountant along with keeping myself challenged, fit, healthy and most importantly happy. I am a transformer and I love it.
I think that is the key. In my career, I am at the stage now where faces in professional class are starting shift and those that started fresh faced with me in 2008 have now either given up on London and moved back home to start their careers there or have started to get into companies and are jumping from one performance job to another (the chosen ones).
It is an interesting time as it now reveals who has it in them to keep trolling through this hard sinking marsh of the dance world and who it really doesn't suit. But for those of us who keep fighting, it doesn't seem to get much easier. Yes, of course its easier in some respects but your goals start to shift. You get a taste of one thing and then you want more. I remember when I was waiting to hear if I had got this 8 month performance contract and instead of thinking 'Yes finally I might get a job in a company for a period longer than 6 weeks and it is paid. Finally this is all I have wanted for EVER' all I kept thinking was 'Shit, but is this what I want to do right now, If I get this contract it means I cant do this class, or this audition or this project. Does it mean I will get type cast....'- In other words thought full of Yuk!
I find it so interesting. Maybe that was my gut instinct saying that it wasn't the right job for me or it was a way of me preserving my feelings for a fall. Or it could be this insatiable thirst that I was warned about when I started. The fact that you will never be satisfied. Ba hum bug. I think it is true. I mean there are some choreographers that I feel I would be so satisfied if I was to ever get the chance of working with. Surely? I shall keep on hoping.
Out of my graduating year from The Place I think only about 10 of us are still in London and doing dance stuff here. About another 15 have moved either back home, or to different cities to dance or do dance related jobs. And the rest have gone off the dance radar, either changing careers or just having a break.
I find it really interesting (as I have said about 4 times already i this blog). I know the fish lady talked about dancers not staying in one company or one place for too long but when it is too hard to even get your foot in the door. How are you supposed to stay anywhere?
I think I am lucky, in that I have been constantly employed and doing projects. Fair enough in a dream world it would ALL be paid performing jobs. However I think the freelance thang suits me. I enjoy it. I know of course I would love to work with a company for a long contract as I love being part of a team/family and as the fish lady suggests, being able to really grow with a choreographer is a great thing and personally it really attracts me. But I feel my time will come. I haven't had that 'oh my God will it ever happen' feeling for too long a period of time to make me reconsider as something seems to always come up. Always at a time, when you think you have a one way ticket to doomsville.
So I shall keep on striving. My regime is going well. I had two auditions a few weeks back. First for H2 and it was a great day. I got right down to the end and then they chopped me. Arrrgh! But its good that I am starting to get this far. After two years I think it is necessary. The second was for T.R.A.S.H. and it was incredible! I got chopped at the first chop but I didn't mind it was such a great morning. Really truly was. i had a really inspiring time. This is definitely a company I want to work for.
On the day, when I walked into the studio and saw the rehearsal director, who also dances in the pieces, I thought to myself "hmmm me dancing with him?- Not sure I am ready for that". Which is OK, but in hindsight that meant I had already given the job to someone else.
As the choreographer (Lindy Nsingo) I am working with at the moment says "Be at your best today, why wait for tomorrow?". True dat!
I have also started doing classes at Circus Space. Incredible. Love it. As an adult you hardly ever get a chance to learn something new, totally from scratch and I am finding it so refreshing .At the moment I can hardly hold myself on a trapeze, let alone climb up a rope yet but I am enjoying the struggle. My body feels so good. Along with the circus shiz I have also upped my yoga practice and I am finding these three different ways of training are really informing my body and my dancing. It is really great. I have finally found a way of training that I feel works for me.