When I started writing this blog I only told a few close friends at college. My reasoning for doing this was because I would 'rather people find it themselves than look for it.'
Last week a couple of people started to tell me they liked my blog. And after a while I discovered there was a link was on the opening page of the NSCD website. I had no idea that they were going to do this. And it shocked me slightly. I went down to the office to ask for it to be moved somewhere a bit more subtle.
The same night I spoke to Ricardo, the director of the company I work with in Berlin. I call him dad or papa, and he calls me Little One. He is my dance guru.
I told him about the asking for the blog to be moved. 'Little one, what a stupid thing to do' was his response.
I pathetically argued my case. But his wasn't having any of it. He pointed out that it was good for the college and good for my career. 'Just because you think something one day it doesn't mean you will the think the same the next, so why are you worried?'
Again, I feebly muttered excuses but I was beginning to realise the true motivation behind my actions.
Ricardo went on to say I was doing something public yet acting as though it was private. Like wanting to perform on stage then asking to go at the back.
And then I realised something. In class I struggle with really letting go and allowing myself to dance to my fullest. I have a fear of being exposed. Me trying to keep the blog quiet was a classic indication of this, and related directly to the things I'm trying to change.
As a dance student you are forced to become more aware of your self and make connections between all aspects of you life. As everything eventually connects back to your dance.
So, as the realisation set in I agreed with Ricardo and promised to offer the blog again for the front page of the website. (I have since done this).
And wondered if I'll ever be as wise as Papa.