Over the past week or two I have been running off a series of funding applications and promotional materials. S eeking administrators to support me in this process and brainstorming like mad about ways to facilitate my creativity.

Although I always knew that if I wanted to step out of the security of regular teaching jobs I would have to find some other means of supporting myself from project to project but I'm finally feeling like I'm getting somewhere. I know that 90% of applications will be rejected simply due to the statistics in relation to the number of applicants so I need to create funding opportunities.

The harshest part of this reality is that I want to share these ideas with my peers in the way that office workers chat about their jobs but by doing so I would then create this statistical issue all over again.

I'm not saying my ideas are original (let's face it, what is?) but they aren't being chased around here right now and as much as I would hope that if I shared an idea people would pat me on the back and say good luck the system does not work like that, does it?

Sadly not. The only peice of advice I have been given by 90% of those I discuss things with is to be selfish; chase the opportunities and don't share them. Sadly this week I realised how true this is and that people will take what they can for themselves before opening it up to a group of their peers and even friends.

How do you react to this? I have no idea because at a base level I was simply gutted and always will be when the basic human instinct of self preservation kicks in but it always will and I need to accept this.

In accepting this I also think that I don't want to become this person and as such I'm going to start looking for truly alternative ways to get to where I need to be. All is fair in love and competition (may the best funding application win afterall!) but in the meantime I'm determined to protect my integrity and not have to stab anyone in the back to get there.

If this means having to dig under the fence as everyone else is climbing over it then so be it, fingers crossed I'll get to the other side!