Lewis Wheeler (closed): Shattered
Sunday, Sep 21 2003, 02:33
I'm really starting to like the taste of lager - very un-me. I'd never heard of Tennents before coming to Scotland (probably not very surprising) but its getting to the stage where I might miss it when I go home. Not that I'm looking forward to that happening - two weeks can be a long time on the Isle of Wight.
I had a very bizarre moment (well a few moments actually) while out on Friday Night (only pubbing, you know how far my budget stretches!). I seriously did not recognise myself in the mirror. I wasn't drunk, by that time I'd only had about 1 maybe 2 pints of "Tennents" and a pint of Cider. (Big butch manly drinks lol). I ended up having a staring competition with myself and my 'reflection' was winning! You know when you do the switching from eye to eye thing sometimes while having a staring competition with someone - well I was doing that but my 'reflection' wasn't. Which only increased my sense of detachment from the image. Then I got scared and ranaway back to my lil group of friends.
While in 'Charlie's Bar' - hmm, written down it looks ok, but I mentioned it because I don't like the name - we saw a young guy come in and sit down at the bar by himself. Maybe other people wouldn't have done but I found it quite unusual - I would have a very hard time going to a bar by myself (as in I would feel v.self concious - not the best attitude to have I know but not something that I feel inclined to 'work through'.) Anyway - one of the girls I was with decided to go and ask him to come and join us because after 15 minutes of staring we'd firmly established that he was alone.
I was quite up for the idea but I did not find him attractive at all - in gay bars that takes precedent over most other things when deciding to talk somebody in quite a scary cattle market type why. (I suppose its the same in st8 bars but gay cattle tend to have a much higher pedigree and success (and honesty about their intentions) rate. My housemates in Coventry considered themselves successful if they pulled once a term - for my gay friends success was measured in numbers per night lol! - just the way it is ;o)
Anyway - I can understand why the poor guy thought I liked him when my friends were asking him to come over. Apparently he asked where he could sit and she said next to me. Grr.
Anyway, this guy became quite attached and touchyfeely - luckily not in an itv censorship type way - with me and was trying desperately to pay for me to get into 'Out' - The gay nightclub. Despite the fact that I wanted to go because another guy who joined our 'party' was gorgeous and thinking about going, I managed to prevent myself from exploiting poor mister not really that bad but nothing to make me interested.
Just wanted to share that little bit of honesty in my life with you.
Actually that's misleading - I loathe lying. I had a very serious relationship with a girl when I was seventeen (a girl?? shock horror!) we were together for a year and lived with each other for nearly half of it! She was a complete pathological liar - the things she would say to people were completely unbelievable. But that's obviously the wrong adjective (or is it a verb? Adverb maybe - argh I'm getting annoyed at abandoning academia aged 16!) to use because her lies were extremely believable but I didn't want to use the cliche completely outrageous. Even if it would have made a lot more sense. - I'm sorry that I'm rambling but that's basically what this online thing is for - me to ramble away to my hearts content....
I'm shutting up now (about that anyway).
Ever since our very messy relationship I haven't been able to cope with people who lie - they make me so angry.
I forgot why I got onto that subject but to round it all off - the cute guy had recently split up with his boyfriend and we've all decided to out properly next friday.
Remembered another reason why I got onto the subject of lying - remember post about v.fit guy in my year? Well, somehow I manage to really hurt his feelings in a variety of ways every weekend - even though we never meet up at the weekends. This time was because I'd become annoyed with him saying v.frequently lets go out for dinner tonight/to a pub/out clubbing with these people/call me later/etc etc and me not making any other plans because I enjoy spending time with him a lot only to call him in the evening to be told a variety of things like - I'm tired/I'm ill/I'm doing my washing/I'm busy so I can't talk right now (after asking me to call at that time) - all of these stupid things after he'd been the one to initiate all the plans.
This was added to the fact that he'd said that he was tired one night but if he did decide to go out he'd text me.
That night I found out he was going to Paris with his girl friend (he has a boyfriend in Germany too - great guy. (sorry, that's too mean - to be honest he's my best friend in Dundee and I'm feeling bitter and low which is very unfair (to him) but i've started so I'll finish). The Paris story is significant because he'd invited me to go with him (he's doing some modelling) then said that I could go next time because things were really up in the air and he was still all tired/flustered/can't think of a better, longer term word with adjusting to a new country. But no mention of the fact that he was going with his girlfriend. Not exactly lying but not exactly telling the truth either.
Then, the morning after at College,(look this post is dance related!) I hear people teasing him about his hangover from going out the night before. Thanks for the txt hey.
Anyway - after a week and a half of incidents like these I told him I felt like he was lying to me - not in a nasty way - maybe there was dry humour (dressed up sarcasm) involved but not heavily and he got pissed off with me.
Am trying to find the point............and here it is :- After friday night drinking session (having been unsuccessful on the pulling front besides loads of v.positive eye contact with cute guy (in the looking at each other every 15sec sense) and all the unwelcome advances from the lonely guy) I decided to call College guy's answerphone and be honest about how he was making me feel.
Got a text message today telling me that he can't believe i'm calling him a liar (he's more an omit the truth type person miaow) so I called him and he started lecturing me on how when he was younger his v.strict Christian adoption family hardly let him have any freedom and he was constantly lying about where he was and why and how upset/angry/annoyed/pissed off/blah blah he was that I was calling him a liar when he'd worked hard to reform since then etc
His signal cut out and I didn't bother to call him back.
Am so annoyed with myself because at the rate I'm going I'm going to really damage the best friendship I've got up here (no offense to Anna and Aedin but you're not gay and not male and we're not as close yet) and I know I do still fancy College guy but not nearly like I used to. The more I get to know him the more I don't want to ever have a romantic relationship with him. Friends more than definately though. But somehow I always manage to screw things like this up - and I really want to talk to somebody about another unfortunate incident that happened that 'fateful' friday night involving some broken glass etc - hey I've lived on the isle of wight - its practically normal down there) but I can't and I have to face wearing a leotard tomorrow morning.
Which I've just remembered I haven't washed yet so its going to be a late night tonight!
On that eventful note I'm going to leave - the school is going to the Rep Theatre on wednesday which should hopefully make for an interesting dance related blog and the show is at the weekend which will definately be interesting.
till then (probably) xxx
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