After writing my last blog I began to feel a really intense desire to be a Dancer. Of course I always want to be a Dancer, but then at times I forget that I do, then get reminded that I really want it and it becomes the most imporant thing in my life.
I've been back in Scotland for over two months now and I've been working to make things happen for myself again because when I was in Paris there was little chance of doing anything, so it actually gave me alot of energy and inspiration to go for it.
Then last night after writing an entry and reading the interesting blog from the EvilImp and Theo Clinkard's response to it, I began to feel quite unsatisfied with dance and what I'm doing.
So now i'm beginning to question what I'm doing, what I'm doing wrong, what I'm doing right, what do I actually want to do? And how can I make it happen?
I'm also becoming increasingly frustrated with opportunities in Scotland. Don't get me wrong, I feel very supported in terms of creating work and there are opportunties to dance, Dance Base and Dance House are both wonderful places with wonderful people, but in terms of actually being a Dancer in a company or something, there's not much.
The companies that work here are generally working on a project basis which is fine, but tend to work with the same Dancers again and again, which I also understand because it's important to build up a trusting relationship with Dancers who can deliver your work.
Infact today I spoke to two people who are both deeply unsatisfied with their situation, both male funnily enough. The situation is that they're not dancing enough, not enough opportunity and things to do.
I think it is a balance of not enough opportunity but also it's about finding the opportutnies and creating them too.
Sometimes I feel like I want and need to do everything. I want to experience being in many companies, I want to experience making my own work, I want to experience dancing work by major Choreographers but most of it's not just a want but it's definately a need and I think it's important to experience these things.
Also I was thinking it is a shame because so many Dancers never get the chance to do what they would love. For example there are so many Dancers who want to be in such and such's Company but being good enough or even getting into it is impossible, and so they're left never being able to dance in something that truly fulfils them.
I have the same lack of satisfaction, but only because of a fear to not take the things I really want (which by the way, is going to end in 2009!!) so I don't feel like I've actually tested myself completely yet and attempted to get what I would like to do.
So tonight I've started to cook up a plan. I want to make things happen for myself and others. Watch this space and if I fail, then at least I tried.
Dance is a wonderful thing, so let's make it happen.
:)
