OffbeatWinter Wonderland

Published on Wednesday, 5 December, 2012 | Comments

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"Sleigh bells ring, are you listening, In the lane, snow is glistening........(tra la laaaaa!)". Yes dear readers it's Christmas time again! So it's all snow, mince pies, trees, wrapping paper and annoying relatives starting right now!

Of course the holiday season is all about giving lovely gifts to the people you really like and socks to the people you really couldn't care less about. With that in mind we, here in TheLab™, decided to get some of our favourite folks a few gifts to make things better for them and a lot better for the rest of us!

Maria Miller, Minister for Culture Media and Sport.

miller.jpgThe minister has a problem with not knowing anything at all about culture, the arts or pretty much anything to do with the department she's in charge of.

To solve this problem we have a year long supply of tickets to grotty "regional" theatres so she can see a new show every night of the year.

As well as that, so she'll have something to do during the day, we've thrown in a Lifetime Culture Pass™ so she can spend her days in workshops and classes learning about, you know, stuff!

We did try and get her into a local community college to boost her credentials but she didn't have the grades and those dudes take a D+ average.

Alan Davey, CEO, Arts Council England

davey.jpgFor the only man in the world that's more of a basket case than George Osbourne we have, drum roll please, a replacement! (settle down at the back!)

Yes, that's right, Mr Davey can take early retirement, with what we believe to be a sizeable pension, because we've found a Philips Saeco Xelsis HD8946/01 Digital ID Automatic Espresso Machine (in "Mirror Steel" not the cheap, stainless steel crap) that's willing to take on the job.

The machine knows bugger all about running a funding body so no real change of direction there but it does have more of a personality and can also pretend to answer fake "live" questions, just like Mr Davey.

It can also make coffee!

Quentin Letts

letts.jpgThe ridiculous theatre critic for the Daily Mail (stop laughing at the back) is always in a permanent frenzy over one thing or another.

To stop him having an aneurism and to basically shut him up we got him 4 gallons of Ketamine (basically a horse tranquilliser) and a really big syringe. Let's face facts, someone who is that much of an ass is going to need a really big needle.

Our gift also comes with 4 burly blokes (to hold him down) and one veterinarian to administer to required dose. We figure it will knock him out for next 136 years.

You're welcome!

English National Opera

tight.jpgThe big opera company with millions in annual subsidy from the funding monolith that is Arts Council England has a problem paying dancers so we thought about getting them an accountant.

Chances are they probably have one of those even though he/she very obviously can't count.

Instead we've bought them a really nice shovel with a very long handle. As a collective the whole organisation was so utterly inept at explaining why they were only paying professional dancers a pittance that we, here in TheLab™, thought a sturdy implement to rapidly dig holes they can't get out of might come in handy.

Akram Khan

yoda.jpgThe venerable dance maker got himself in a pickle when he went to the papers yapping about the arts having "too much" money.

He also threw a nuclear strop when NBC Universal cut 'Vertical Road' his Olympics piece out of their US broadcast to go talk to some swimmer.

To prevent any further meltdowns we've got him a new PR rep. This ones a bit different though because she's half ninja, half PR rep and half Jedi.

So, not only is the force strong with her but she also has three halves and can rugby tackle Mr Khan to the ground and slap him around a little before he's even thought about making a complete arse of himself.

Monica Mason

mason.jpgThe former AD of the Royal Ballet doesn't like women very much. Initially we thought getting her a time machine was a good idea but, like most things in ballet, time travel is impossible. Anyway, she's retired now so she can't do any more damage.

Instead we've secured her a lifetime membership of "Ye Olde Village™", in Norfolk, where people with nothing important to do can go and live it up like it's 1865.

The village comes complete with butter churning, field tilling and something to do with "chicken fiddling". The less we know about that the better though.

Kevin O'Hare

ohare.jpgMr O'Hare is the current AD of The Royal Ballet which, as we know, has a bit of a woman problem.

So, to avert any further catastrophic misogyny, we have secured for the "man" at the top a vast array of books about women and feminism none of which feature pictures of women in their underwear or mention anything about cooking, cross stitch or shopping.

We've also booked him a complimentary "orientation" appointment with a leading OBGYN so he can, you know, learn about stuff.

The Ballet Boyz

bah.jpgWe can't really see any reason for Mr Nunn and Mr Trevitt to stick around really.

Their dance company isn't really about dance and we feel sure the near £700,000 they will receive over the next three years can be better spent elsewhere.

So, on us, they have two, one way, cattle class tickets to North Korea, because let's face it, that's probably where they belong.

North Korea also has the added advantage of having no internet access, so in all likelihood we will never have to hear from them again.

Happy Holidays! (rock on with the war on Christmas!)

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