Wednesday, 6 February, 2013
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Things are bad right now for the arts in the UK, on the other hand you could argue when were things ever good? So maybe you're thinking it's time to move to pastures new, where the grass is greener, the people are nicer and the funding policies not quite so crazy.
Here in TheLab™ we've put together a comprehensive (not really) list of the good, bad and completely made up facts about the countries you might be thinking about as a good career move!
If you want to dance on an Alp then where better than the country that invented dancing on an Alp? If you haven't seen "The Sound of Music" then, first of all, shame on you and secondly ........... wait, what..... what do you mean it was set in Austria? Oh, never mind.
The Good: It's very pretty, especially in the Alps (where The Sound of Music wasn't filmed apparently) and they have more kinds of chocolate than the rest of the world has people which will come in very handy when you're out of work.
The Bad: We're talking about a country that has laws against flushing your toilet at certain times of the day and won't let you wash your car on a Sunday. They also make you join the army and give you a gun with no bullets to keep in your house in case the Romans invade or something! Thanks to lenient taxes the place is also full of annoying race car drivers.
Cost of Living: Makes London look affordable
Home of the prettiest people in the world for no other reason than they are Scandinavian. We haven't met all Norwegians, although there are only 47 of them, but most are very pretty, blue eyes are not mandatory though. Also, the location of the infamous movie 'Girl with the Dragon Tattoo' that enjoyed wide spread................. ok, that was filmed in Sweden? Damn you Sweden!
The Good. Thanks to the complete lack of people there is plenty of space, especially in the north and the theatres they have in schools make our dedicated theatres look like sheds (looking at you The Byre).
The Bad: A cheese sandwich will set you back about £145, it's a good sandwich but it's not a £145 sandwich. The average temperature in winter is minus 400 degrees celsius and it snows in summer.
Cost of Living: Did you not read the cheese sandwich story above?
The Unites States of America
Home of Disney, Barack Obama and hot dogs on a stick (not making that up) the USA is the original land of opportunity and the home of the free(ish). The place is so vast that some states are living in the present while others are stuck in the late 1760s. Best known for being the location for the hugely popular science fiction flick Blade Runner set in................. what? Filmed in London, oh whatever!
The Good: If things don't work out then the proliferation of fast food outlets will provide ample opportunities for minimum wage employment
The Bad: The Republican Party, Fox News, Donald Trump and the slightly terrifying idea that you might end up working for a dance company in Arizona or Texas.
Cost of Living: You can buy an entire cow for about £4, that's good right?
An almost completely empty prison colony the size of a small planet, Australia is the go-to place for people looking for a fresh start. As long as you stay around the outside edge you should be fine, don't go into the middle bit. Home of the infamous Mad Max movie which........ was actually filmed in Australia (woohoo) although it is completely terrible. The film that is, not the country.
The Good: It's empty and it's sunny, what else do you want?
The Bad: Sharks, jelly fish, more sharks along with their shark friends and in the summer it gets so hot that if you go outside you catch on fire. Also has entrance requirements for work purposes that would flummox Sheldon Cooper*, even on a good day!
Cost of Living: Expensive because everybody eats "Barbies™" all the time and those things are pricey.
Ahhhh.... France, home of The Louvre, The Eiffel Tower and trains that are so fast they can bend time (take that Sheldon Cooper*). The French also spend more money on the arts than we spend on nuclear submarines (not making that up). Many films have, in fact, been made in France but they are all about a man with a cat fetish who falls in love with a woman who works in a flower shop. None of them are any good.
The Good: Butter croissants, need we say more?
The Bad: Population will go on strike literally at the drop of a hat. They'll spend 16 weeks hanging about, blockading all the roads while they argue about who should pick up the hat.
Cost of Living: Who cares, as long as you can afford the butter croissants.
Home of all the best car companies (looking at you BMW) and the most efficient traffic signals in the civilised world (looking at you junction of Karl Liebknecht Strasse and Spandauer Strasse). The Germans actually fund the arts because they think they are "good for society", which is definitely weird. Let's not talk about German film.........
The Good: All we know is this, people say that Berlin has a great "scene" you never hear people say that they hate the "scene" in Berlin!
The Bad: Insert lame joke about Germans and sense of humour here and what's with all the beer festivals?
Cost of Living: We think it's somewhere between "Hmmmmmmmmm" and "Arggggggggghhhhhhhh!!"
The Worst of the Rest
Sweden: If the film "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" is anything to go by the whole country is full of homicidal maniacs with an Ikea fetish and crazy computer hacker brunettes who go around smacking people in the face with golf clubs. Avoid!
Mexico: Seriously? Mexico! .......... No!
Belgium: Assis Carreiro moved there to run a dance company
into the ground and they can't decide what language to speak. Avoid!
Scotland: Stop it!
Wales: Now you're just being ridiculous..............
* What do you mean you don't know who Sheldon Cooper is?