This got us thinking, here in TheLab™, about what other games we could come up with that didn't take a millennia to finish and were a bit more interesting for the audience.

Gladiators

The protagonists are organised on a giant, elevated podium surrounded by water. Each choreographer is given a giant Qtip™ and wears a brightly coloured unitard. The buzzer sounds and the dance makers begin the melee. The last one standing on the podium wins the prize.

Options include filling the surrounding pool with mud, jelly, ice cream or lions but we feel sure somebody would protest about the cruelty, to the lions!

For: Over quickly
Against: Nobody looks good in a unitard!

Predators

Based on the formula of the film with the same name. Dance makers are transported, in defiance of all the principles of physics, to another world where they are each provided with some form of projectile weapon. They are then hunted by giant aliens that can see in the dark and turn invisible, which is cheating but it's their game so.... Last one standing wins the prize.

Options include bringing in Arnold Schwarzenegger to yell at people to "get to the choppha!" whilst covered in mud!

For: We can use 'Welcome to the Jungle' as the theme song.
Against: Dance makers being skinned by enormous, improbably intelligent, sociopathic aliens might make the sponsors a bit squeamish!

A short side programme involves the Ballet Boyz making a documentary about poor people in the jungle trying to rip them off. The Boyz mysteriously disappear, but only when it is really hot does this happen!

Dance Maker Fortunes

Fashioned on the game show Family Fortunes, the dance makers and their company compete against each other in a series of elimination rounds where they answer stupid questions about the number of people who can name the music used in the work of Wayne MacGregor (the top answer is always going to be; "Who the hell is Wayne MacGregor?")

Eddie Nixon can host because he's a lot like Les Dennis and he likes talking to people about competitions and stuff.

For: Middle England will love it.
Against: Reminds us about Les Dennis!

Sonic The Hedgehog

Dance makers are dressed up like a blue hedgehog with a mohican (stop laughing at the back). They then run along a series of platforms performing impossible stunts to collect gold rings while fighting some dude called Dr.Robotnik.

One with the most gold rings is the winner but unlike the video game you only get one life.

Dancers for opposing companies can dress up as Dr Robotnik to try and take the competition out, would result in some spectacular flying collisions.

For: The sound effects are funny
Against: High risk of protagonists being run over on a dual carriageway!

Big Brother

All the participating dance makers and their dancers are forced to live in house for a month where they engage in mundane conversation for hours on end whilst sitting in a filthy pool of water. Contact improvisation high jinks ensue on a regular basis usually fuelled by alcohol. Winner is the the most obnoxious, unpleasant one.

Surprise guests could include John Ashford, Alistair Spalding, the fat piano player from the ROH and somebody from ACE. With that lot in the mix there's bound to be an incident where one of the dance makers loses it completely and they all end up in a corner cowering behind a chair with no clothes on!

For: Nothing
Against: Everything

Riot Audition

Nigel Lythgoe has announced that he has optioned a new pilot for BBC Television entitled "So You Think You Can Riot". The former Muppet choreographer told the Evening Standard that the show would be built on the foundation of "So You Think You Can Dance", only this new show would, presumably, be classier.

Participants will be invited to televised auditions where they will have to demonstrate their creative ability to wear a "hoodie", steal things they don't need and scream like little kids when they get bitten by a police dog.

When asked about his experience to run such a show and judge the participants respective rioting skills Mr Lythgoe responded; "Well, I don't know anything about dance either and look how that turned out, don't tell anybody though huh! Nudge, nudge, wink wink!"

The eventual winner of the series will receive medical treatment for the dog bites and a 12 month prison sentence.

Competitive Riot

Not to be outdone the Evening Standard is also reporting that Alistair Spalding, Chief Bottle Washer and shameless opportunist from Sadler's Wells Theatre, is launching a new version of the "Global Dance Competition".

Imaginatively titled the "Global Riot Competition" the London theatre is inviting people to submit their applications via YouTube. "It's already huge you know" enthused Mr Spalding, "I mean, there are already thousands of videos being entered, it's a runaway, barn burning success..... literally, they're actually burning barns!", he exclaimed whilst rapidly clapping his hands together.

When the Standard's reporter pointed out that those videos were just people rioting in general Mr Spalding referred all further questions to the London theatre's five press officers, all dressed in riot gear.

The eventual winner, selected by a team of actual judges from the High Court, will have the opportunity to riot inside Sadler's Wells for half an hour followed by an 18 month prison sentence where they will share a cell with the police dog from SYTYCR.

Operatic Riot

Antonio Poppano, the genetically substantial, chief piano player from the Royal Opera House, has announced his plans to write a new opera called "Una Rivolta da Ricordare" (A Riot To Remember) reports the Evening Standard (a paper that seems to be suspiciously full of arts related riot news).

The opera will feature leading stars from the opera world whom we are unable to name because we don't know anything about opera.

"Una Rivolta da Ricordare" will mimic the classic Deborah Kerr, Cary Grant movie but instead of people with actual talent meeting on top of the Empire State Building where romance ensues, two "hoodies" will meet atop a burning Currys.digital to take cell phone pictures of themselves handling stolen goods and posting those images to Twitter before being swiftly sent to prison for being stupid, or something.

Mr Poppano stated he has a strong desire to orchestrate some Eminem for the work or maybe he just wanted some M&Ms. The reporter couldn't be sure because he was eating a jumbo bucket of chicken wings at the time (Poppano that is, not the reporter, who's a vegan we understand).

DCMS Riot

Jeremy Hunt, currently in charge of the Department for Culture Media and Sport, has launched a scathing attack, via the Evening Standard, on dance companies across London for their "abject failure" in counter-acting the violence of the last few days.

"What the hell are we funding all their education projects for when it is patently, i say PATENTLY, obvious that they have failed to socially re-engineer an entire city with all the money we give them?"

The Culture Secretary's vitriolic attack was accompanied by a stinging editorial from Daily Mail journalist (cough, Ed!) Quentin Letts. The editorial appeared to be constructed entirely from swear words. The writing was so breathless, animated and dripping with venom and hatred copies of the paper were delivered to readers (cough, Ed!) on fire.

In response to the attack a spokesperson for all dance companies was unable to comment because she was lying on the floor laughing so hard.

ACE denied it was responding to the DCMS attack by setting up a "Jack Bauer Fund" named for the notorious central character of the '24' television show.

Riot Riot Riot

Several dance companies have declined to answer questions about just where they obtained lots of shiny new sound and lighting gear for their up an coming tours.

The Evening Standard (again? Ed!) is reporting that some looters during the recent riots in London, were moving with "a level of grace, deportment and skill not normally associated with the average chav".

Witnesses reported feeling a sudden urge to applaud as the alleged footpads moved away from the looted premises. At some looted stores there were reports of "after looting discussions" taking place followed by intense debate about "what it all meant".

Suspicions were aroused when video footage emerged of several looters who appeared to be "stealing, interpreted through the medium of dance" at several stores in the capital. Swathing funding cuts have forced to dance companies to take ever more extreme measures to secure their production and touring future.

Big Riot

The Big Dance organisation has come under suspicion after it was claimed by several sources that the widespread rioting in London was all part of a dance participation project.

ACE and the DCMS told the Evening Standard that they were investigating several aspects of the project revealed in the Big Dance evaluation forms. A spokesperson for the funding monolith told the paper that they are very uneasy about some of the preparation classes and workshops that Big Dance had been organising.

These included "Traffic Cone Lobbing", "Riot Shield Contact Improvisation" classes and workshops teaching youngsters how to "fence" stolen property on Ebay without arousing suspicion.

Some pundits have expressed no surprise at the antics of Big Dance suggesting that the scheme may be another way for them to pad out their inflated participation numbers.

Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when asked for comment by The Standard, simply waffled incoherently and the reporter noted that his answer seemed to be entirely constructed using the word "Olympics".

Some, all or most of these are completely real, see if you can spot which ones!

Press Flacks or Admins

Readers

With thanks to our dear readers for sending in some of their own questions, we hope these answers bring you comfort.

At the time of writing ACE had recovered control of its press office.

Each blast represents 10 Kilotons of power for every £100,000 in funding. View it in full screen or download the hi-res image from Flickr at the bottom of the page because YOU NEVER KNOW!!

Analysis

As you would expect from such an attack London would be almost completely wiped out. There would be some genuine cinematic moments as survivors of the initial strikes on the Royal Opera House, ENB and Sadler's Wells breathe a sigh of relief only to be turned to dust by the follow up, albeit much smaller, hits on Random Dance, Siobhan Davies Dance, The Ballet Boy[s] and others.

Candoco Dance Company blow a big fat raspberry at ACE because they're on tour in Norway right now so hah! They missed!

Rambert Dance Company and Protein ensure that West London comes in for a particularly unpleasant morning cup of coffee.

Down south the decision to locate Hofesh Shechter and Jasmin Vardimon in Brighton does not bode well for the seaside town. The same goes for South West Dance who combine forces with the two dance makers to ensure that morning dog walkers go home a little bit more crispy than when they left.

Up north BRB and DX are responsible for the complete destruction of Birmingham while even further north Ballet Lorent's recklessness in housing themselves in Newcastle upon Tyne leads to 250,000 geordies being irradiated.

Overall the dance map of England is left with a very specific corridor extending from the south-west through to the east before you swing around the north-east to end up in Scotland where safety and shorbread await you.

The analysis shows that the best place to be, should ACE lose the plot completely and start firing, is probably Milton Keynes...............

On second thoughts maybe you should just set up a champagne breakfast outside the Royal Opera House and welcome the apocoplypse with open arms!

Next week: 'When Zombies Attack - What Happens When ACE's Medical Research Goes Wrong!'

[ Get the Flickr Version Hi-res ]
[ Download Print Resolution Version Because YOU NEVER KNOW! ]

One of the "features" of Resolution, the annual dance bun fight in London, is they grant the participants the pleasure of being reviewed by a group of "experts" in the field. Presumably a large cow field full of................. well, full of cows!

Now, here in TheLab™, we think reviews are almost certainly more redundant than Andy Coulson so we've brought Fauston Carpet in, from the Amsterdam Research and Science Enterprise, to dissect one of the most recent word salads.

This particular review was written by Graham Watts, his Twitter bio describes him thus;

"Dance Writer/Critic. Secretary of Critics' Circle Dance Section in UK. Writes for leading dance magazines & websites - in UK, Europe, USA, Japan & cyberspace."

Over to you Fauston:

Hello readers, it's been a long time. So, The "Secretary" of the Critics Circle hmm? Big words from a man who specialises in making cups of tea and having affairs with overweight business types, but I digress, Mr Watts' words are in red.

"Each work in this mediocre programme lacked fresh movement ideas and struggled, in varying degrees, to convey clarity of purpose."

Right off the bat Mr Watts is trying to assert authority. Or, much more likely, he's caught up in the proverbial mid-life crisis moment when once sane men start buying motor cycles and sports cars because they have finally realised that they are somewhat lacking in the penis department.

Basically, "mediocre" is a Porsche 911 in white with red leather interior.

Additionally, using the word "mediocre" is a way of saying "I've seen more dance than you so I know what I'm taking about." He doesn't of course but, like many small children, hyperbole is all they can conjure in order to get any attention.

"Jack Webb gave the strongest performance in a self-choreographed, aggressive, Kafkaesque solo."

The only word that has any relevance in that sentence is "Kafkaesque". Mr Watts uses it to let the readers that know what it means that he has read Franz Kafka, or at least the Wikipedia entry about Franz Kafka.

If you don't know what that word means then Mr Watts sounds clever because he knows a weird word that you don't. 2-0 to him, in his mind at least.

"It progressed from a series of simple rotational movements through a spiral of hyper-flexible contortions and increasingly manic behaviour until descending - following a prolonged balance in a headstand supported on his forearms - into an exhausted and trancelike state."

This is the cookie cutter moment. Reviewers have to describe at least some part of the movement in words, to let us know they were at least paying a little bit of attention to the stage. The fact that his description could relate to any dance work ever made, because it is deliberately vague, is neither here nor there, in his mind at least.

"Although a marathon of physicality, it was overlong (at 23 minutes) and the performance achieved little added value in its final third."

Review writers are, as discussed, like small children and they share a similar attention span. I mean, you can't possibly expect them to pay attention for 23 whole minutes! 2 hours without a break of Pina Bausch, no problem of course because they're reviewers and they know who's ass they really need to kiss.

"Joseph Mercier's Tuga produced some arresting imagery within an effective use of space and light...."

Translation: This is the 4,000th review I've written, I wonder when I last wrote "effective use of space and light"?

"Boundless energy characterised the occasional flurries of dance, including a burst of air guitar, but the quality of movement was unremarkable.  The central character's constant waiting............"

"Boundless" married with "constant waiting" erm..... I don't think so Mr Watts. You can't do one whilst exhibiting the other, I mean come on! Either take a creative writing class or a buy a dictionary dude! In the writing world we call these "pointless opposites".

"Mercier failed to convey a coherent or consistent purpose."

Much like your review, it's like you're kindred spirits or maybe you were projecting your own sub-conscious doubts about this whole "review" in your writing?

"Emelie Wångstedt's 'Do the performance' was the emptiest of vessels."

Uh oh, bad poetry alert! As well as pretending to read Kafka you're also pretending to read Byron or maybe you just saw that episode of Friends, you know, the one with the racist waiter that Monica falls for!

"Seu Jorge's acoustic foreign-language version of Rebel Rebel had me searching iTunes"

Translation: I'm down with the kids, I use iTunes and I have an iPod even though I'm a 145 years old and I'm the only man on Earth that suffers from penis envy.

"The three performers exchanged occasional anxious looks, suggesting a work still in progress"

Translation: Or maybe they were acting who knows, who cares, when the hell can I get out of here and drive my Porsche again?

"The instructive title should have ended with a bold exclamation mark!"

Again, I feel this is some sub-conscious projection. What he's really saying is my career should have ended years ago but thus far nobody has noticed that I'm still doing this, how much longer can it last?

In conclusion, you could basically do this with any review ever written. My tip? If you want to know what a show is like, either watch a video or get off your backside and go to the theatre yourself. Art is too important to have the experience translated by mindless hacks. Maybe that's not funny, but it does have the advantage of being true.

goede nacht en veel geluk

Naturally with this type of thing trouble makers like us are not invited, we might get something on the carpet, but TheImp has crafted a speech anyway. Read it aloud and raise your voice to thunderous levels as and when you feel it's appropriate!

My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, honoured guests, assembled artists, the slightly dated cheese on the buffet table, Arts Council England, small furry animals, the dust on the window sill over there and of course, Alistair Spalding..... welcome.

I only have a few minutes before I'm hauled off to an un-disclosed location in Eastern Europe for questioning so I shall be brief.

We gather at a time of great upheaval. The waters are rising, both metaphorical and real, and our cultural ship is sinking. It's so full of holes you might as well package it up and sell it in Sainsburys as a colander.

I might be crazy and a little bit drunk but I know this much! The situation is dire.

Our political leaders, as we have seen over these past months, have shown themselves to be nothing more than feckless thugs. Cultural vandals wreaking havoc across the land. A land that will, if they get their way, become bereft of progressive thinking, bereft of anything hopeful or virtuous, a land of nothing more than meaningless, pragmatic function, if that.

In times gone by we could look upon our political leaders and heap scorn upon them for their brazen corruption and their ineptitude. Of course, we can still do that. Let's face it, they're giving us plenty of material. These people can't think, they can't count and they can only act in their own idealogical self interest. We know this to be true. It is self-evident. [pause for golf clap as the smarter attendees realise the tenuous connection to the Declaration of Independence]

Today however we must look inward. We must look at those gathered in this room and the arts leaders across the country. For you are the ones, I am sad to say, that have abdicated your responsibility. [dramatic pause for golf clap]

You have abdicated your responsibility to your profession. You have abdicated your responsibility to your peers, to yourselves, to young artists and to all that you have achieved over so many years. Ladies and Gentleman, you have abdicated your responsibility to speak in the face of what is nothing less than tyranny.

The arts has taken a seat at the far end of the table and quietly said "Please sir! Please don't hurt us!"

Of course you did this after they had already hurt you. Not only did they run you over with a tractor, they stopped, turned around and came back for one more pass to finish the job.

And still, all you can say is "Please sir! Please don't hurt us!"

Arts Council England (stop laughing at the back), has managed, almost single handedly, to replicate the horrific metaphor that is the government/banking system. Millions of pounds to the few, massive salaries and huge bonuses for the unworthy, bail outs for the incompetent, bloated organisations that are too big to fail.

As tens of thousands of people look forward to slashed budgets and the complete destruction of cultural activity, ACE, with a pervasive mendacity that would make any politician proud, is furnishing those with plenty with even more golden trinkets, all in the name of "research".

ACE's fundamental lack of ability to understand that the lions share of arts investment needs to made at the individual, small and mid-scale levels, because that's where the real work gets done, is intellectually criminal.

"We're searching for a new way to fund the arts!" they cry as their moisturised, pampered collective little fist thumps on their designer desk. Crocodile tears from those with a monthly pay cheque I say.

And still, all you can say is "Please sir! Please don't hurt us!"

I say that you should hang your heads in shame.

Take a few moments to reflect, but only for a few moments because it's time to get of your damn knees and stop saying please!

But, I hear you cry, what can words do? What can we possibly say?

My response? You're adult human beings for crying out loud, try very hard to think of something.

Martin Luther King [pause for golf clap] changed an entire nation with nothing more than words and he had an honest to goodness battle to fight. A battle covered in the very real blood or some very real people. Fighting for the cultural future of a nation should be easy by comparison.

Words are only the beginning, so let's here what you have to say.

And if you have nothing to say? Then let us all fear for the future and for future generations. Should you choose to remain silent then I guarantee history will not be kind to you, if history even bothers to remember you at all.

'State of the Arts' takes place sometime next month and will be forgotten about five seconds after it's over, if not before.

In a statement ACE denied being completely useless, or at least they would if we asked them beause who would admit to such a thing?

To try and avoid any Freedom of Information request it appears the three were using private email accounts with popular email providers. All of the messages provide a staggering amount of insight into the level of panic, colourful language and bizarre nicknames those in high places use when communicating with one another!

The emails begin on May 11th, the day Mr Spalding's comments were first published. Profanity has been redacted, for the children!

Press the full-screen button on the bottom right for the full HD(s) effect!

Most regular people hate to repeat themselves. It's pointless, it's irritating and it just proves that the person you were speaking too wasn't paying any attention and is therefore completely ignorant and undeserving of any respect.

Just six months after the Artistic Director of Dance East, Assis Carriero, put her foot ever so firmly in her mouth with her ridiculous comments about female dance makers we have not one, not even two but three colossal idiots being quoted in the press uttering the same prehistoric drivel that women can't cope in the dance world, "just because".

Hiding in the shadows, under a soggy cardboard box mired in the London sewage, we have Arts Council England, trying very hard, and failing miserably, to be diplomatic. We'll get to them later.

Alistair Spalding, chief bottle washer at Sadler's Wells Theatre in London, gets the tomfoolery underway when responding to the Guardian newspaper asking why there are so few female dance makers being offered commissions by him and his theatre

His response to that question is highlighted in the video above. The video is in HD so press the full screen button for maximum effect and feel free to embed wherever you choose, the cost is on us!

Article19 has made a video response to this latest nonsense because we already have an editorial about just how stupid the comments made by Assis Carriero were last year. Also, it's nice to share.

Although female dance makers lack the assertiveness to be taken seriously by Mr Spalding any idiot with a YouTube account and a dodgy video camera can still enter the theatre's online competition, the name of which escapes us.

ACE, in a communications debacle reminiscent of the Nixon era, tried very hard to craft a response that won't instantly cause your demise at the end of the first sentence. They failed miserably.

No surprise that Janet Archer, the Head of National Dance Strategy for ACE, had nothing of substance to say at all. In fact she didn't really say anything. ACE's press flacks wrote something, Ms Archer edited it and they released it as a statement.

Welcome to ACE in the 21st century and their response to Mr Spalding's comments.

"We acknowledge that women face challenges in dance, partly born out of the fact that there are more women than men working in the dance profession. That inevitably leads, for some, to a loss of confidence and at times a lack of visibility.

Arts Council England is working very hard to promote equality of opportunity in order to support all artists to make the highest quality work. This summer, we will publish a major Dance Mapping study which highlights current achievements across dance and signals new opportunities for the development of the field.

Alistair Spalding says he must programme the best - and we would add that's because the best is what audiences deserve. Arts Council England is committed to working with all talented choreographers to deliver that."

A "Dance Mapping" study? Only an intellectually bankrupt organisation could come up with such a ridiculous thing and what does that have to do with Mr Spalding's sexist comments?

Where do we go from here? Hard to say but France is looking more attractive by the day!

Mr Spalding could not be reached for comment. He is apparently out of the country and the staff at Sadler's Wells, at the time of writing, have no idea where he is. If you see Mr Spalding the please let them know he's safe and well. Perhaps we should fit him with a GPS locator?

[ Guardian Story ]
[ The Politics of Women ]

by Lisa T. McNeill

If you think contemporary dance is confusing just try wrapping your head around classical ballet! It lasts for hours, costs a fortune to make and watch and makes about as much sense as Boris Johnson* winning an election. Never the less, millions flock to see it, well......... millions gently trickle to see it over a very long period of time, and it's lasted for centuries, so there must be something to this ballet lark then eh?

Why?

Nobody is really sure why ballet came into being or what they though they were doing when they invented it. Suffice to say that it's here and it's not going away anytime soon so you might as well get used to it.

France

Many will be relieved to find out that when it comes to pointing fingers we can point them firmly in the direction of the French. Classical ballet's roots lie in the royal courts of France during the latter half of the 17th century. During this time, France, to put it mildly, was a very unpleasant place indeed. Revolutions, starvation and much chopping of heads was all part of a days work. Once can only imagine that ballet was used to quell the riots by means of completely befuddling the great unwashed into submission.

Russia

From one crazy fun place to another, ballet leapt, probably literally, to another continent in order to really get things moving. A lot went on in Russia before the arrival of Marius Petipa (see below) but nobody can remember what or who or why! Suffice to say that when Petipa arrived on the scene, in the mid 1800's, all hell broke loose and 'Swan Lake' was the result, amongst others. Such was the importance of this work that it has been repeated several million times by every ballet company all over the world.

Because the communist Russian government of the time was utterly useless at important things like infrastructure and growing food (much to the delight of the Americans) ballet in the USSR fell apart when the cold war ended and Russian companies are now stuck in a world of never ending touring just to pay the bills.

Marius Petipa

In some photos he looks a lot like P.T. Barnum but with a beard and without the weight. French born dance maker who fumbled around in France for a while before jumping ship and making it big in Russia circa 1846.

Loved/reviled (depending on your point of view) for creating 'Swan Lake', 'Sleeping Beauty' and 'Don Quixote' amongst others for the Kirov Ballet (although it wasn't called that at the time).

Vaslav Nijinsky

Russian dancer renowned for being able to jump very very high, although there is no documentary evidence of this since cell phone cameras didn't exist at the time. Spent most of his life being confused about his sexuality and went completely mad toward the end of his life. Most famous for his appearances in many Fokine ballets like 'Spectre De La Rose' where he performed dressed as a giant flower. And the mystery as to why he succumbed to schizophrenia is solved!

Rudolph Nureyev

Born on a train in Siberia, Russia and had a chip on his shoulder from that point on. Much maligned for being long on personality and short on technical talent to say nothing of being a bit of a narcissistic brat. Made a run for it from the Soviet government whilst on tour in France. Presumably because of their inability to grow potatoes!

Became a 1960's playboy (whatever that means) and formed a slightly bizarre relationship with Margot Fonteyn. Also collected carpets, on purpose!

George Balanchine

Along with Lincoln Kirstein invented the New York City Ballet. To this date the company remains manacled to his work like a Mafia snitch and concrete shoes. Russian born but wanted nothing to with the 'Swan Lake' types. Much preferred story-less ballet which he believed was vastly more entertaining. Nobody had the heart to tell him that it wasn't! Created 'Jewels', 'Prodigal Son' and 'Apollo' amongst others.

Worked a lot with Igor Stravinsky. They were to ballet what Merce Cunningham and John Cage are to contemporary dance and just as annoying.

(Sir) Kenneth MacMillan

Scottish born dance maker who worked a lot for the Royal Ballet. Plucked Darcy Bussell from obscurity to slightly less obvious obscurity at the aforementioned company. Best known to us, here in TheLab™ because we had to sit through 'Mayerling' for what felt like a lifetime and for that we can't forgive him. Died in 1992, ironically or tragically depending on your point of view, backstage at the Royal Opera House during a performance of 'Mayerling'

Much like New York City Ballet and Balanchine the Royal Ballet is in the iron grip of Lady MacMillan, Mr MacMillan's wife. Ross Stretton, a recent AD of The Royal Ballet, singled her out for particular criticism after his own death. Talk about spooky!

Ticket Prices

Universally extortionate when compared to things like buying a car or paying the mortgage. Ballet companies justify the prices because, they say, of the lavish costumes, exquisite set design and phenomenal dancers. If you believe that then clearly you have never been to the Scottish Ballet!

Point Shoes

For ballet demi-pointe just wasn't enough so they forced the girls/women to go full point on a pair of 'blocks' for reasons that defy explanation. Vast numbers of injuries, shredded feat and ear splitting screams have failed to dampen the enthusiasm of the art form to torture its own protagonists.

Balletomanes

Humourless, individuals that love classical ballet with little or no exception and will not tolerate, under any circumstances, a dissenting point of view from the great unwashed (see France above). The average balletomane is 145 years old, in either mind, body or both, and usually smells of furniture polish. Can often be seen hanging around the stage door waiting to have their colostomy bag singed by Darcy Bussell, unaware of the fact she is retired and lives in Australia where she spends her days tending to orphaned kangaroos (probably).

Buns

Sadly not nice things covered in icing and currents but the standard hairstyle of ballerinas. When done properly they have a habit of making even the most beautiful women look like they're doing an impression of Michael Keaton in 'Beetlejuice' (don't say it three times!)

Ballet Boyfriends

You can spot them a mile off at the theatre. Dragged along to the show by their better half for an evening of "culture". Dressed in white trainers, faded jeans and a t-shirt from River Island, (sometimes with a faux dress jacket) they sit, looking forlorn, vacant and, sometimes, deceased, hoping beyond hope that the show will end soon because 'Monster Truck Madness' is on ESPN later.

They only go to the ballet because they "love" (cough, cough, choke) they're girlfriend/wife and if they let them go alone they're bound to meet someone with an IQ in double digits and cultural sensibilities developed beyond sports and the latest season of 'Spooks'.

Such relationships are of course doomed to failure because anything built on a lie, or in an earthquake zone, usually falls apart pretty quickly.

Bloodshed at Covent Garden

64 people were injured, 19 of them seriously, when a large group of Hofesh Shechter supporters stumbled into a Royal Ballet performance at Covent Garden in London apparently by mistake. Several ambulances, police cars and a dog unit were seen parked outside the capital's landmark Royal Opera House venue as beleaguered theatregoers made their way home following the carnage.

A source, who works at the theatre, said the "Shechter crew" all looked "young" and "awake" and this really got under the skin of the ROH's mostly octogenarian posse who didn't take too kindly to having their turf invaded. 24 year old Richard Crevisse of Porch Lane, who sells interval ice creams and hot packs, told us he wanted to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals and he wasn't authorised to speak about the incident. He is also listed in the phone book.

Other witnesses described what went on inside;

"Those kids just came waltzing in. Chatting quietly, smiling, taking their seats like they owned the place." Said a slightly overweight man in his summer tweeds! "The gentry just wouldn't stand for it. Canes were pointed, fingers wagged and colostomy bags were hurled, then things really got out of hand!"

Ushers rushed into the main auditorium en-masse in a vain attempt to quell the violence. Police were called and were quickly on the scene, within an hour or two, and they rapidly subdued the irate "Covent Gardeners" (as they are known locally) with pepper spray, tasers and pound cake! That evenings performance was running 4 hours late but most in the theatre had failed to notice.

For their part the Hofesh Shechter fans had managed to avoid serious injury by pulling off a few of their hero's signature moves during the malaise!

When the dust had settled dozens of arrests had been made and the incapacitated shuttled off to a local hospital. An official ROH spokesperson played down the incident;

"We normally cart a couple of dozen members of our audience of in ambulances and other less palatable conveyances during every show. Tonight was a good night, at least 98% of our patrons got through the evening alive!"

Hillary Pemberton-Shinebottom the Chairperson of the Covent Gardener's Starched Shirt Petit Foie Gras & Monocles Committee declined to comment on the incident.

Ballet Boyz Admit To Being "a bit crap!"

Following repeated requests for comment about the comments made in several publications that they were "pompous, self-congratulatory, stiff, uninteresting, over rated, over-exposed, condescending, desperate, a little bit thick!" and to top it all off "a crap cabaret act from North Korea" the "Boyz" finally snapped;

"Allright, allright, stop, we admit it!" sobbed a distraught William Trevitt. "I mean come one, who were we kidding. Going on stage in top hat and tails, those video projections, the tv shows, the books, the t-shirts, the coffee mugs and the Hello Kitty line of matching accessories! It was all a sham, a sham I tell you!". Mr Trevitt continued, wailing into his CoCo Pops™

A more circumspect Michael Nunn, the other "Boy", expanded on his partners comments;

"Look, we made a hash of the whole thing. I mean, A Rough Guide To Choreography! Who's stupid bloody idea was that? We just want to say sorry and that we're going away now, to think things through. Probably China, or North Korea, I hear they have a great cabaret scene!"

Blogging is a Funny Word

A group of unnamed dance bloggers have admitted to meeting up in person for no other reason than to talk about blogging. When asked why they didn't just blog about blogging, one blogger, who looked a bit pale and declined to be identified or tell us the name of his blog, told us that "being a blogger and blogging is an isolating experience so it's good to meet other bloggers to share our blogging stories. And it gets us some attention, you know, for our blogs and we can extend our blogrolls!"

Our reporter revealed that the only reason he was writing a story about blogging and bloggers who meet up to talk about being bloggers and blogging was because he had a bet on with someone to see how often he could get away with writing the words, blog, blogger, blogged, and blogging (and their plural derivatives) in one story without being fired. Upon hearing that the blogger who had met up with his blogger friends to talk about bloggers blogging and blogging software sloped off muttering something about the "MSM"

The other bloggers at the blogger's blogger meeting for blogging bloggers declined to comment for this blog, er..... story!

Death by a Thousand Cuts

Seven (7) local councillors in Birmingham are reported to have collapsed into some form of catatonic shock after reviewing a performance licence application from the Japanese company Karas.

The apparently hysterical illness came about because the live performance, known as 'Glass Tooth', will be performed on a floor covered in broken glass, real broken glass. Sources fear that the normally reserved politicians, used to dealing with traffic lights and the colour of warning signs for damp floors, were unable to comprehend, what one council member described as, "barm pot foreigners and their hedonistic ways" before promptly slipping back into unconsciousness.

Unnamed sources close to the issue told us that this type of mass panic has not occurred since the 'Running With Scissors' debacle in 2006. Several councillors spent four months in intensive care because they didn't realise it was only a film!

A spokesman for Karas told us; "等簡単にはいい表わせない。考えうるあらゆる事柄をVirgin Prunes的ロックを通して思考しはじめた" before skulking off shaking his head in disbelief!

Rambert Not Guilty

London based professional dance company Rambert has been found not guilty of being a contemporary dance company by the High Court in London this past Friday.

Unusually, the company itself was said to be relieved. A guilty verdict would have meant a drastic reduction in funding, less dancers, lower pay, more education work done by the dancers themselves, dancers rigging and striking the set and, most contentious of all, the loss of Director Mark Baldwin's golden throne of power!

The case was brought to the courts by Arts Council England. A Spokesperson for that organisation told us;

"We're really disappointed, we couldn't believe they're not a ballet company but come to think of it, we were also wrong about the whole butter thing!" "We're not useless either you know!" She yelled as our reporter walked away.

Rambert's PR people declined to comment muttering something about buying "gold polish" before wandering off.

Article19 Denies Censorship

Leading arts publication Article19 has denied censoring, heavily editing, or cutting mid-stream any and all arts stories that are, in their editor's words, "So boring they might actually kill somebody!"

Suspicions were raised by several arts practitioners who had noticed a distinct lack of coverage for Random Dance Company's new work... (snip...... Ed!)

Christopher Wheeldon is the bright new hope for classical ballet. Some say he is the new Balanchine, some say "never heard of him!" when asked pointed questions. The following conversation between Mr Wheeldon and a bloke from Arts Council England never happened, but maybe it should have!

Mr Wheeldon never did get his pony!

As the summer grinds on and Autumn looms upon the horizon like...... like something that looms, we thought it prudent to present you with an indispensable guide on how to get money out of Arts Council England. Cutbacks are coming and access to the money is going to get harder and harder. Following our Top Tips™ should help you navigate through the paperwork, the corruption (allegedly) and the outright lies.

You never heard this from us, keep it on the QT!

1. The Assessment Officer.

The assessment officer is the person from ACE you meet with prior to handing over your application form. There's no subtle way to to say this; The only way your application is going to get past the first stage is by using bribery!

Obviously large sums of cash are not an option since you wouldn't be applying for money in the first place if you had any of that. You can also get your mind out of the gutter with regard to anything that involves......... touching! (touching? Ed!)

What we have to go for here are illicit gifts. Chocolates, DVD's, games consoles, free meals, flights of private jets, antique furniture, etc, etc. These things work on politicians so they should work just as easily on Joe Bloggs at ACE.

You must be subtle about it though. Wait for them to go to lunch, follow them, sit down somewhere close, drop the gift next to them and wander off. They pick up the package, you capture the whole thing on camera and you've got them. Ok, technically that's blackmail not bribery but they both begin with 'B' so same difference!

Blackmail is also historically cheaper than bribery!

2. The Application Form

In the entire 60 year history of ACE an honest word has yet to be written on a successful application form. There are lies, damn lies, statistics and then there's an ACE application form.

Whatever your project is doesn't matter, what the art form is doesn't matter. If you want money then list yourself as a "gay, cross-dressing, disabled, atheist, pygmy of Eastern European origins with great grandparent of Asian origins, married to someone from Belgium, currently living in Peckham, East London" and you're all set!

Even if you are part of an organisation all you have to do is mention that the above is one of your employees. If you're feeling really adventurous then you can mix things up a little. Change atheist for protestant, gay for lesbian, pygmy for horse, you get the idea!

3. Mention the Olympics

As with your application the nature of your project does not matter. Mentioning the Olympics is all that matters (apart from the disabled pygmy stuff from the previous tip!)

Simply add the following paragraph to your form;

"This project will allow these massively disadvantaged, dirty, common, poverty stricken wretches from [insert location here] to feel at one with their community as the London Olympics in 2012 grow ever more prominent in our minds.

The combination of physical activity, mental agility, substance abuse and [insert art form here] can draw comparisons and inspiration with our brave, determined, drug addled and virtuous athletes who will soon take to the field of sporting endeavour for the London Olympics in 2012.

Did we mention that this work has very prominent ties to the London Olympics in 2012?"

Using the words "kids" or "young people" should be worth about £20,000 extra per mention!

4. Try Very Hard to Take Sebastian Coe Seriously

Look, the man has had the same haircut for over 40 years to say nothing of the fact he looks like an accountant (apologies to all our readers who are accountants!) Sources close the Mr Coe have denied his hair is a glued on plastic mould specially made by Tupperware®.

When the truly ridiculous "wish it was a joke but it's not" logo for the Olympics in 2012 was revealed Mr Coe, Chairman of the LOCOG, said thus;

"It will define the venues we build and the Games we hold and act as a reminder of our promise to use the Olympic spirit to inspire everyone and reach out to young people around the world. "It is an invitation to take part and be involved."

However, you must fight the urge to throw up over you computer screen. Just bite your tongue and nod appreciably whenever he speaks. Making fun of this guy will only make you a pariah in the eyes of the country. (looks like we're screwed then! Ed!)

Also, you have to admire a man who can talk such complete bollocks about the most risible attempt at graphic design in the history of mankind!

5. Suck Up To Jude Kelly

The AD of The Southbank Centre in London was recently described in The Guardian as "one of the most powerful people in the arts". Sources close to Ms Kelly have described her alternately as "Sauron", "She Who Must Not Be Named™", "[a] mad old bat" and "a bit doo-lally".

In keeping with the first two, less than flattering, descriptions Ms Ke....., She Who Must Not Be Named™ is also the "chair of culture, ceremonies and education at the London organising committee for the Olympic games".

Just how you suck up to her is a matter of some debate. Having a three headed dragon wrapped around a sword tattooed on your right forearm whilst chanting something in Latin is the preferred method. Sending gift wrapped Bon Bon's dipped in chicken's blood will also work but that can get a little messy and the Post Office frowns upon such things.

Rumour has it, from sources close to the rumours, that when her followers touch their tattoos a completely banal community arts project is given a massive amount of funding, a baby unicorn dies and a little more hope is lost from the world.

6. Put Yourself About

Once again, get your mind out of the gutter we're not talking about .......... touching! (why don't you just call it sex? Ed!)

What we mean is; Attend every single arts event you possibly can. ACE folks love to attend conferences, openings, sharings, forums, ceremonies, etc etc. If you have soup for lunch the chances are an ACE employee will be there to watch you open the can.

Getting yourself out there brings about that "ah yes, I remember you from the [insert crap event here]" you were both at the week before.

From there you have your chance to set the bribery/blackmail sting into operation! It's all about laying the groundwork!

7. Don't Associate Yourself With Article19

Sources close to the source of this information have told us that being connected to Article19 is a very bad thing indeed.

A common response to any of The Dark Lord's ACE's minions when asked about Article19 is; "oh that, er.... online magazine thing, yeah....... i've heard of it sure, never read it though, do you like chocolates?"

8. Don't Mention The War

In case you haven't heard, The War™ Inc. is not going well so making work that in any way reminds us or the politicos that control the money that things in Iraq™ are not exactly pleasant will bring about a swift refusal to hand over any cash. It's also completely impossible to spin the London Olympics 2012 into "car bomb in Baghad® kills 150".

You have been warned!

[ Top Image by Marc Dietrich ]

Arts Council England has expressed shock and amazement regarding the reported hostile take over bid of the organisation by the cast of Top Cat, the popular 1960's cartoon series.

It appears that Top Cat, the indisputable leader of the gang, or T.C. to his friends (provided it's with dignity), was reported to be outraged at the UK funding behemoths decision to axe almost £30million from its main funding programme, Grants for the Arts, whilst hoping, with increasing levels of desperation, that no one would find out.

Speaking from his home in a trash can in Hoagy's Alley, Manhattan, New York, T.C. told Article19;

"Weeee cannot sit idly by while joo guys suffer at the hands of these wise guy bureaucats (you mean crats? Ed!). Despite the fact you called my show Boss Cat for no apparent reason back in the day I'm willing to forgive and forget to come to the aid of you limey artists and restore a bit of order"

When we pointed out that ACE isn't a public limited company and has no shares for the alley cats to buy, Top Cat (the indisputable leader of the gang) responded;

"thaaaaaat's not the kind of takeover were talking about knuckle head. When I say hostile, I mean HOSTILE!"

T.C. referred all further questions to his Head of Communications; Choo Choo.

Choo Choo told us;

"We've been looking at this in detail and we think we have the best in the business to replace the muddled leadership and lack of passion that have been eroding yoir Arts Council for years now. We've been sneaking into baseball games, getting free phone calls from the cops and stealing food for years. How hard can it be to form a national arts strategy?"

Fax it up Baby!

Mr Choo faxed Article19 several dozen pages of documents detailing both the reasons behind the takeover and a detailed listing of the staff restructuring that would take place.

T.C. would, obviously, supplant 'Sir' Christopher Frayling as chairman of ACE because he apparently spends all of his time watching westerns and writing books that nobody reads (a bit like Jeffrey Archer then? Ed!) and nobody knows who he is anyway. Benny the Ball will act as his right hand man (so to speak).

Choo Choo would replace Peter Wright with immediate effect as Chief Executive because, to quote the alleys cats takeover plans; "Mr Wright is a banana and a knuckle head." Choo Choo also pointed out that he's pink and in ACE terms pink equates to gay so the gay groups will go wild for him.

Mr Choo also hinted that the Pink Panther may come on board at a later stage in an advisory role to show they are serious about the "gay/pink issue".

ACE's current communications staff responded to that claim, seven days and twelve phone calls later, by stating that; "Mr Wright is not a banana, has never been a banana and has no aspirations to ever become a banana". As to the question about him being a "knuckle head" they would simply say "no comment!"

The remaining members of the gang would all assume high ranking positions in the organisation. Because of ACE's sheer size Top Cat (the indisputable leader of the gang) has roped in an entire legion of comrades to fill various positions.

Grape Ape Grape Ape

The Dance Department, for example, will be overseen by the Great Grape Ape. When ACE's press office was asked how national dance policy would be affected with a 40 foot tall, purple gorilla in charge - wearing matching green bow tie, waistcoat and cap - they replied (after 12 days, 24 phone calls, 14 emails, 3 letters, 2 faxes and a flock of carrier pigeons);

"Look, we're getting a little bit upset answering questions about a hostile takeover by animated cartoon characters, stop it, you're giving us all nightmares, stop it............. stop iiiiiiit!".

Beagle Beagle, The Great Grape Ape's trusty sidekick was more circumspect;

"We feel this is a positive move for us, there are a lot of challenges ahead but we've accomplished great things in the past and now it's time to move on, to bigger and better things and just make sure they pay is in purple grapes!"

The Great Grape Ape simply responded "Grape Ape, Grape Ape!" before sloping off in which ever direction he wants because, to be frank, who's going to stop him?

In a surprise move the newly appointed Director of National Dance Strategy, Janet Archer, would be replaced by a used house brick! Both Ms Archer and the house brick declined numerous opportunities to comment. As yet, it is unclear just what kind of new thinking a rectangular piece of masonry will bring to the table in terms of progressive strategies!

ACE's very own press office will be replaced en masse by the slightly more 3 dimensional Animal Kwackers. The inter galactic pop group from, believe it or not, 'Popland' have been doing a lot of charity work since they left television in the late 1970's.

'Boots', the one eyed tiger, told us;

"We feel this is a positive move for us, there are a lot of challenges ahead but we've accomplished great things in the past and now it's time to move on, to bigger and better things."

When we explained that's what Beagle Beagle said just hours before he/she responded;

"That's because we're all 'on message' (emphasised with air quotes), but I guarantee you that every Friday, at lunch time, Rory Rory will indeed, be telling you a story!"

Reaction among arts professionals and the government has been mixed. Downing Street refused to comment referring us to the DCMS. The DCMS refused to comment referring us to ACE. ACE couldn't comment because the entire communications staff was in rehab!

Journalistic Meltdown

Brian Sewell, the Evening Standard's Art Critic, commented that;

"To be fair I find the whole thing utterly repugnant, revolting, repulsive, repellent, disgusting, offensive, objectionable, cringeworthy, vile, foul, nasty, loathsome, sickening, nauseating, hateful, detestable, execrable, abominable, monstrous, appalling, insufferable, intolerable, unacceptable, contemptible, unsavory and unpalatable! However, Choo Choo is quite the cute little cat, don't you think?"

When our reporters asked if that was a dictionary in his pocket or was he just pleased to see us? Mr Sewell sloped off toward Tate Modern muttering to himself about Gateshead.

Richard Morrison of The Times (he used to write rather good editorials about the arts you know! Ed!) seemed more up beat;

"Frankly, the way things are I'm surprised they didn't move in sooner and boot this lot out on the street. I've always been a huge fan of T.C. I was in his fan club for chrissake! Where the hell have you been all these years huh?................. Well?..................... Answer me dammit!!"

Stuart Sweeney, Acting Senior Deputy Assistant Executive Administrator in Charge of Courtesy and Self Important Posturing at CriticalDance.com told us;

"I'm not talking to you lot, you're really silly, now leave me alone, I'm buying slippers!"

A professional dance artist, who requested anonymity because he had been drinking heavily and couldn't remember his own name, commented;

"I think a bunch of animated characters could almost certainly run ACE better than that knuckle headed, banana guy and his merry bunch of cloven hooved henchmen........... BIG ISSUE, GET YA BIG ISSUE HERE!!!!"

The takeover is scheduled to be completed within the next few weeks so get ready for a whole slew of crazy announcements, barking mad policy ideas and all round chaos in the arts. If you don't notice any difference then we suggest you're not looking hard enough.

Top Cat (the indisputable leader of the gang) told us in one final comment;

"We feel this is a positive move for us, there are a lot of challenges ahead but we've accomplished great things in the past and now it's time to move on, to bigger and better things."

Oh bugger off!

Finding the skinny on todays creative types is a little bit hard. They don't have MySpace pages and they are notoriously uncooperative when you knock on their door at 5am demanding answers which is a little unreasonable if you ask us.

So all you dance students fire up your notebooks for the undisputed facts on the best and the brightest in todays wacky world of dance.

Charlotte Vincent

Biog: Known as the 'Tank Girl' of the dance world (although more for her resilience than the for the fact she lives in a tank, which she doesn't). Learned her craft in the salt mines of a Siberian labour camp after being imprisoned there by ACE for being 'talented'. Upon her escape she went on to make some rather good dance theatre, think of her as a classy, female Lloyd Newson.

Showing her touring metal at present by traveling with three shows all at the same time. Recently returned to prison, as a guest, to teach the inmates the finer points of dance, such as jumping really high and how to climb stuff. The prison authorities were not amused.

Her most prestigious achievement to date is having three different pieces featured on Article19, which Ms Vincent will readily admit to if asked (allegedly).

Feared by many of the London Dance Mafia because her company is based in Sheffield and they don't know where that is.

Looks Like: Tank Girl, but with more hair.
Daemon: Snow Leopard
What to say: Yes of course I'll get out of your way.
What not to say: What are you looking at?

Rafael Bonachela

Biog: Probably best know for creating choreography for Kylie Minogue which is a bit weird because Ms Minogue can't dance (she can't sing either but that's another issue). Famously won the first ever Place Prize which was a feat acknowledged by the 35 people who read the Guardian's arts pages.

Also won various other awards which means he's either really good at choreography, has a lot of money for bribes or should stop entering competitions and do some bloody touring!

His commercial leanings are of little surprise since he trained at the London Studio Centre. We'll say no more about a place that has a picture of a guy in a bowler hat on the front page of its website. Went from there to dance with a company nobody ever heard of and then onto Rambert which more than a few folks have heard of.

Here in TheLab™ we have never seen his work live, only in a small video on The Place's website, which kind of emphasises the whole 'stop entering competitions and do some bloody touring' quip!

Looks Like: Milhouse
Daemon: Chihuahua
What to say: Step ball change, Jazz hands!!
What not to say: Can we go on bloody tour already!

Charles Linehan

Biog: Without doubt the most laid back man in dance making. His work never accelerates beyond third gear because as far as he's concerned time is endless and what's the damn rush all of a sudden?

Trained at the Rambert School back in the day but soon got that nonsense out of his head and started doing something more interesting. Once used music created by recording the sound power lines make in Australia, we're not making this up you know! Although the power line thing could be ever so slightly inaccurate (they might have been in the USA!)

Best thing to do at one of his shows is make sure you have a comfy chair with you, a hot mug of Horlicks and some custard creams. Then just kick back and let it happen because this guy is the antidote to Random the world has been crying out for.

Looks Like: Alan Rickman
Daemon: The giant tortoise from Neverending Story
What to say: smooooooooooooth
What not to say: annnnnnnnd JAZZ HANDS!!

Christopher Wheeldon

Biog: Doyen of the Royal Ballet School and the company that bears its name which makes it all the more surprising to learn that he's the resident choreographer of the New York City Ballet. It took just 2 years in the UK's biggest ballet company to make him run for it!

Subject of unrelenting fawning by the arts media who have awarded him the title of 'Best Thing In The World Ever'. He likes to talk about his 'Buns Of Steel' award from Judith Mackrell a lot less though!

Soon to branch out all on his own with an, as yet, unfunded, transatlantic dance company where he has promised to pinch all the good dancers from both NYCB and Royal Ballet for his own shows.

Rumours that NYCB are calling in some favours from their friends in New Jersey to fit him with a pair concrete ballet shoes are either completely unfounded or from a really bad Soprano's script.

Does not look forward to valentines day because all the flowers, chocolates and saucy limericks from Judith Mackrell are just getting embarrassing.

Looks Like: An extra from Pirates of the Caribbean
Daemon: Ermine
What to say: Of course you can have $4,000,000 to run your new company.
What not say: $4,000,000 to run your new company? Idiot boy!!

Merce Cunningham

Biog: If you don't know Merce then you haven't lived. Perhaps the oldest, living, dance maker on planet earth. Learned his craft back in the day when color TV, polyester and SpongeBob SquarePants were the stuff of science fiction.

His work is almost completely unfathomable, although less so than William Forsythe's, and younger dance audiences tend to shy away from his work because, lets face it, they have lives to get on with.

Chance, crazy music and unitards all play a part in his work and none of it is intended to be even remotely ironic! Spawned the titular 'Cunningham Technique' which isn't really a technique at all but it's bloody hard and doesn't involve rolling around on the floor at all.

Most famous for getting Article19 into trouble (allegedly) when we wrote a joke about him being compared to dead dance makers and some prat at the Arts Council thought we said he was no longer alive. Those were the days.

Looks Like: Crazy Uncle Erle
Daemon: Argentinosaurus huinculensis
What to say: Unitards look great, especially in puce!
What not to say: Fancy a jog?

Wim Vandekeybus

Biog: Belgian dance maker most famous for his piece 'What The Body Does Not Remember' which included the performers lobbing breeze blocks (big bricks to you and me) around the stage.

Very popular during the whole 'Euro Crash' thing. The work was entertaining to watch if for no other reason than sadistic voyeurism because many in the audience were hoping one of the dancers would get clobbered by a flying piece of masonry.

Studied psychology back in the day but rejected its teachings because he wanted to study the relationship between 'body and spirit' or he got bored and wanted to watch cartoons, we can't remember which.

Described as a dancer, choreographer, film maker, photographer and pastry chef in his official press materials. We have never seen one of his films but his custard tarts are to die for!

Looks Like: The bloke from Dexy's Midnight Runners (ask your parents)
Daemon: Rhinoceros
What to say: Gimme a Custard Tart!
What not to say: Come on Eileen!!