To try and avoid any Freedom of Information request it appears the three were using private email accounts with popular email providers. All of the messages provide a staggering amount of insight into the level of panic, colourful language and bizarre nicknames those in high places use when communicating with one another!

The emails begin on May 11th, the day Mr Spalding's comments were first published. Profanity has been redacted, for the children!

Press the full-screen button on the bottom right for the full HD(s) effect!

Most regular people hate to repeat themselves. It's pointless, it's irritating and it just proves that the person you were speaking too wasn't paying any attention and is therefore completely ignorant and undeserving of any respect.

Just six months after the Artistic Director of Dance East, Assis Carriero, put her foot ever so firmly in her mouth with her ridiculous comments about female dance makers we have not one, not even two but three colossal idiots being quoted in the press uttering the same prehistoric drivel that women can't cope in the dance world, "just because".

Hiding in the shadows, under a soggy cardboard box mired in the London sewage, we have Arts Council England, trying very hard, and failing miserably, to be diplomatic. We'll get to them later.

Alistair Spalding, chief bottle washer at Sadler's Wells Theatre in London, gets the tomfoolery underway when responding to the Guardian newspaper asking why there are so few female dance makers being offered commissions by him and his theatre

His response to that question is highlighted in the video above. The video is in HD so press the full screen button for maximum effect and feel free to embed wherever you choose, the cost is on us!

Article19 has made a video response to this latest nonsense because we already have an editorial about just how stupid the comments made by Assis Carriero were last year. Also, it's nice to share.

Although female dance makers lack the assertiveness to be taken seriously by Mr Spalding any idiot with a YouTube account and a dodgy video camera can still enter the theatre's online competition, the name of which escapes us.

ACE, in a communications debacle reminiscent of the Nixon era, tried very hard to craft a response that won't instantly cause your demise at the end of the first sentence. They failed miserably.

No surprise that Janet Archer, the Head of National Dance Strategy for ACE, had nothing of substance to say at all. In fact she didn't really say anything. ACE's press flacks wrote something, Ms Archer edited it and they released it as a statement.

Welcome to ACE in the 21st century and their response to Mr Spalding's comments.

"We acknowledge that women face challenges in dance, partly born out of the fact that there are more women than men working in the dance profession. That inevitably leads, for some, to a loss of confidence and at times a lack of visibility.

Arts Council England is working very hard to promote equality of opportunity in order to support all artists to make the highest quality work. This summer, we will publish a major Dance Mapping study which highlights current achievements across dance and signals new opportunities for the development of the field.

Alistair Spalding says he must programme the best - and we would add that's because the best is what audiences deserve. Arts Council England is committed to working with all talented choreographers to deliver that."

A "Dance Mapping" study? Only an intellectually bankrupt organisation could come up with such a ridiculous thing and what does that have to do with Mr Spalding's sexist comments?

Where do we go from here? Hard to say but France is looking more attractive by the day!

Mr Spalding could not be reached for comment. He is apparently out of the country and the staff at Sadler's Wells, at the time of writing, have no idea where he is. If you see Mr Spalding the please let them know he's safe and well. Perhaps we should fit him with a GPS locator?

[ Guardian Story ]
[ The Politics of Women ]

by Lisa T. McNeill

If you think contemporary dance is confusing just try wrapping your head around classical ballet! It lasts for hours, costs a fortune to make and watch and makes about as much sense as Boris Johnson* winning an election. Never the less, millions flock to see it, well......... millions gently trickle to see it over a very long period of time, and it's lasted for centuries, so there must be something to this ballet lark then eh?

Why?

Nobody is really sure why ballet came into being or what they though they were doing when they invented it. Suffice to say that it's here and it's not going away anytime soon so you might as well get used to it.

France

Many will be relieved to find out that when it comes to pointing fingers we can point them firmly in the direction of the French. Classical ballet's roots lie in the royal courts of France during the latter half of the 17th century. During this time, France, to put it mildly, was a very unpleasant place indeed. Revolutions, starvation and much chopping of heads was all part of a days work. Once can only imagine that ballet was used to quell the riots by means of completely befuddling the great unwashed into submission.

Russia

From one crazy fun place to another, ballet leapt, probably literally, to another continent in order to really get things moving. A lot went on in Russia before the arrival of Marius Petipa (see below) but nobody can remember what or who or why! Suffice to say that when Petipa arrived on the scene, in the mid 1800's, all hell broke loose and 'Swan Lake' was the result, amongst others. Such was the importance of this work that it has been repeated several million times by every ballet company all over the world.

Because the communist Russian government of the time was utterly useless at important things like infrastructure and growing food (much to the delight of the Americans) ballet in the USSR fell apart when the cold war ended and Russian companies are now stuck in a world of never ending touring just to pay the bills.

Marius Petipa

In some photos he looks a lot like P.T. Barnum but with a beard and without the weight. French born dance maker who fumbled around in France for a while before jumping ship and making it big in Russia circa 1846.

Loved/reviled (depending on your point of view) for creating 'Swan Lake', 'Sleeping Beauty' and 'Don Quixote' amongst others for the Kirov Ballet (although it wasn't called that at the time).

Vaslav Nijinsky

Russian dancer renowned for being able to jump very very high, although there is no documentary evidence of this since cell phone cameras didn't exist at the time. Spent most of his life being confused about his sexuality and went completely mad toward the end of his life. Most famous for his appearances in many Fokine ballets like 'Spectre De La Rose' where he performed dressed as a giant flower. And the mystery as to why he succumbed to schizophrenia is solved!

Rudolph Nureyev

Born on a train in Siberia, Russia and had a chip on his shoulder from that point on. Much maligned for being long on personality and short on technical talent to say nothing of being a bit of a narcissistic brat. Made a run for it from the Soviet government whilst on tour in France. Presumably because of their inability to grow potatoes!

Became a 1960's playboy (whatever that means) and formed a slightly bizarre relationship with Margot Fonteyn. Also collected carpets, on purpose!

George Balanchine

Along with Lincoln Kirstein invented the New York City Ballet. To this date the company remains manacled to his work like a Mafia snitch and concrete shoes. Russian born but wanted nothing to with the 'Swan Lake' types. Much preferred story-less ballet which he believed was vastly more entertaining. Nobody had the heart to tell him that it wasn't! Created 'Jewels', 'Prodigal Son' and 'Apollo' amongst others.

Worked a lot with Igor Stravinsky. They were to ballet what Merce Cunningham and John Cage are to contemporary dance and just as annoying.

(Sir) Kenneth MacMillan

Scottish born dance maker who worked a lot for the Royal Ballet. Plucked Darcy Bussell from obscurity to slightly less obvious obscurity at the aforementioned company. Best known to us, here in TheLab™ because we had to sit through 'Mayerling' for what felt like a lifetime and for that we can't forgive him. Died in 1992, ironically or tragically depending on your point of view, backstage at the Royal Opera House during a performance of 'Mayerling'

Much like New York City Ballet and Balanchine the Royal Ballet is in the iron grip of Lady MacMillan, Mr MacMillan's wife. Ross Stretton, a recent AD of The Royal Ballet, singled her out for particular criticism after his own death. Talk about spooky!

Ticket Prices

Universally extortionate when compared to things like buying a car or paying the mortgage. Ballet companies justify the prices because, they say, of the lavish costumes, exquisite set design and phenomenal dancers. If you believe that then clearly you have never been to the Scottish Ballet!

Point Shoes

For ballet demi-pointe just wasn't enough so they forced the girls/women to go full point on a pair of 'blocks' for reasons that defy explanation. Vast numbers of injuries, shredded feat and ear splitting screams have failed to dampen the enthusiasm of the art form to torture its own protagonists.

Balletomanes

Humourless, individuals that love classical ballet with little or no exception and will not tolerate, under any circumstances, a dissenting point of view from the great unwashed (see France above). The average balletomane is 145 years old, in either mind, body or both, and usually smells of furniture polish. Can often be seen hanging around the stage door waiting to have their colostomy bag singed by Darcy Bussell, unaware of the fact she is retired and lives in Australia where she spends her days tending to orphaned kangaroos (probably).

Buns

Sadly not nice things covered in icing and currents but the standard hairstyle of ballerinas. When done properly they have a habit of making even the most beautiful women look like they're doing an impression of Michael Keaton in 'Beetlejuice' (don't say it three times!)

Ballet Boyfriends

You can spot them a mile off at the theatre. Dragged along to the show by their better half for an evening of "culture". Dressed in white trainers, faded jeans and a t-shirt from River Island, (sometimes with a faux dress jacket) they sit, looking forlorn, vacant and, sometimes, deceased, hoping beyond hope that the show will end soon because 'Monster Truck Madness' is on ESPN later.

They only go to the ballet because they "love" (cough, cough, choke) they're girlfriend/wife and if they let them go alone they're bound to meet someone with an IQ in double digits and cultural sensibilities developed beyond sports and the latest season of 'Spooks'.

Such relationships are of course doomed to failure because anything built on a lie, or in an earthquake zone, usually falls apart pretty quickly.

Bloodshed at Covent Garden

64 people were injured, 19 of them seriously, when a large group of Hofesh Shechter supporters stumbled into a Royal Ballet performance at Covent Garden in London apparently by mistake. Several ambulances, police cars and a dog unit were seen parked outside the capital's landmark Royal Opera House venue as beleaguered theatregoers made their way home following the carnage.

A source, who works at the theatre, said the "Shechter crew" all looked "young" and "awake" and this really got under the skin of the ROH's mostly octogenarian posse who didn't take too kindly to having their turf invaded. 24 year old Richard Crevisse of Porch Lane, who sells interval ice creams and hot packs, told us he wanted to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals and he wasn't authorised to speak about the incident. He is also listed in the phone book.

Other witnesses described what went on inside;

"Those kids just came waltzing in. Chatting quietly, smiling, taking their seats like they owned the place." Said a slightly overweight man in his summer tweeds! "The gentry just wouldn't stand for it. Canes were pointed, fingers wagged and colostomy bags were hurled, then things really got out of hand!"

Ushers rushed into the main auditorium en-masse in a vain attempt to quell the violence. Police were called and were quickly on the scene, within an hour or two, and they rapidly subdued the irate "Covent Gardeners" (as they are known locally) with pepper spray, tasers and pound cake! That evenings performance was running 4 hours late but most in the theatre had failed to notice.

For their part the Hofesh Shechter fans had managed to avoid serious injury by pulling off a few of their hero's signature moves during the malaise!

When the dust had settled dozens of arrests had been made and the incapacitated shuttled off to a local hospital. An official ROH spokesperson played down the incident;

"We normally cart a couple of dozen members of our audience of in ambulances and other less palatable conveyances during every show. Tonight was a good night, at least 98% of our patrons got through the evening alive!"

Hillary Pemberton-Shinebottom the Chairperson of the Covent Gardener's Starched Shirt Petit Foie Gras & Monocles Committee declined to comment on the incident.

Ballet Boyz Admit To Being "a bit crap!"

Following repeated requests for comment about the comments made in several publications that they were "pompous, self-congratulatory, stiff, uninteresting, over rated, over-exposed, condescending, desperate, a little bit thick!" and to top it all off "a crap cabaret act from North Korea" the "Boyz" finally snapped;

"Allright, allright, stop, we admit it!" sobbed a distraught William Trevitt. "I mean come one, who were we kidding. Going on stage in top hat and tails, those video projections, the tv shows, the books, the t-shirts, the coffee mugs and the Hello Kitty line of matching accessories! It was all a sham, a sham I tell you!". Mr Trevitt continued, wailing into his CoCo Pops™

A more circumspect Michael Nunn, the other "Boy", expanded on his partners comments;

"Look, we made a hash of the whole thing. I mean, A Rough Guide To Choreography! Who's stupid bloody idea was that? We just want to say sorry and that we're going away now, to think things through. Probably China, or North Korea, I hear they have a great cabaret scene!"

Blogging is a Funny Word

A group of unnamed dance bloggers have admitted to meeting up in person for no other reason than to talk about blogging. When asked why they didn't just blog about blogging, one blogger, who looked a bit pale and declined to be identified or tell us the name of his blog, told us that "being a blogger and blogging is an isolating experience so it's good to meet other bloggers to share our blogging stories. And it gets us some attention, you know, for our blogs and we can extend our blogrolls!"

Our reporter revealed that the only reason he was writing a story about blogging and bloggers who meet up to talk about being bloggers and blogging was because he had a bet on with someone to see how often he could get away with writing the words, blog, blogger, blogged, and blogging (and their plural derivatives) in one story without being fired. Upon hearing that the blogger who had met up with his blogger friends to talk about bloggers blogging and blogging software sloped off muttering something about the "MSM"

The other bloggers at the blogger's blogger meeting for blogging bloggers declined to comment for this blog, er..... story!

Death by a Thousand Cuts

Seven (7) local councillors in Birmingham are reported to have collapsed into some form of catatonic shock after reviewing a performance licence application from the Japanese company Karas.

The apparently hysterical illness came about because the live performance, known as 'Glass Tooth', will be performed on a floor covered in broken glass, real broken glass. Sources fear that the normally reserved politicians, used to dealing with traffic lights and the colour of warning signs for damp floors, were unable to comprehend, what one council member described as, "barm pot foreigners and their hedonistic ways" before promptly slipping back into unconsciousness.

Unnamed sources close to the issue told us that this type of mass panic has not occurred since the 'Running With Scissors' debacle in 2006. Several councillors spent four months in intensive care because they didn't realise it was only a film!

A spokesman for Karas told us; "等簡単にはいい表わせない。考えうるあらゆる事柄をVirgin Prunes的ロックを通して思考しはじめた" before skulking off shaking his head in disbelief!

Rambert Not Guilty

London based professional dance company Rambert has been found not guilty of being a contemporary dance company by the High Court in London this past Friday.

Unusually, the company itself was said to be relieved. A guilty verdict would have meant a drastic reduction in funding, less dancers, lower pay, more education work done by the dancers themselves, dancers rigging and striking the set and, most contentious of all, the loss of Director Mark Baldwin's golden throne of power!

The case was brought to the courts by Arts Council England. A Spokesperson for that organisation told us;

"We're really disappointed, we couldn't believe they're not a ballet company but come to think of it, we were also wrong about the whole butter thing!" "We're not useless either you know!" She yelled as our reporter walked away.

Rambert's PR people declined to comment muttering something about buying "gold polish" before wandering off.

Article19 Denies Censorship

Leading arts publication Article19 has denied censoring, heavily editing, or cutting mid-stream any and all arts stories that are, in their editor's words, "So boring they might actually kill somebody!"

Suspicions were raised by several arts practitioners who had noticed a distinct lack of coverage for Random Dance Company's new work... (snip...... Ed!)

Christopher Wheeldon is the bright new hope for classical ballet. Some say he is the new Balanchine, some say "never heard of him!" when asked pointed questions. The following conversation between Mr Wheeldon and a bloke from Arts Council England never happened, but maybe it should have!

Mr Wheeldon never did get his pony!

As the summer grinds on and Autumn looms upon the horizon like...... like something that looms, we thought it prudent to present you with an indispensable guide on how to get money out of Arts Council England. Cutbacks are coming and access to the money is going to get harder and harder. Following our Top Tips™ should help you navigate through the paperwork, the corruption (allegedly) and the outright lies.

You never heard this from us, keep it on the QT!

1. The Assessment Officer.

The assessment officer is the person from ACE you meet with prior to handing over your application form. There's no subtle way to to say this; The only way your application is going to get past the first stage is by using bribery!

Obviously large sums of cash are not an option since you wouldn't be applying for money in the first place if you had any of that. You can also get your mind out of the gutter with regard to anything that involves......... touching! (touching? Ed!)

What we have to go for here are illicit gifts. Chocolates, DVD's, games consoles, free meals, flights of private jets, antique furniture, etc, etc. These things work on politicians so they should work just as easily on Joe Bloggs at ACE.

You must be subtle about it though. Wait for them to go to lunch, follow them, sit down somewhere close, drop the gift next to them and wander off. They pick up the package, you capture the whole thing on camera and you've got them. Ok, technically that's blackmail not bribery but they both begin with 'B' so same difference!

Blackmail is also historically cheaper than bribery!

2. The Application Form

In the entire 60 year history of ACE an honest word has yet to be written on a successful application form. There are lies, damn lies, statistics and then there's an ACE application form.

Whatever your project is doesn't matter, what the art form is doesn't matter. If you want money then list yourself as a "gay, cross-dressing, disabled, atheist, pygmy of Eastern European origins with great grandparent of Asian origins, married to someone from Belgium, currently living in Peckham, East London" and you're all set!

Even if you are part of an organisation all you have to do is mention that the above is one of your employees. If you're feeling really adventurous then you can mix things up a little. Change atheist for protestant, gay for lesbian, pygmy for horse, you get the idea!

3. Mention the Olympics

As with your application the nature of your project does not matter. Mentioning the Olympics is all that matters (apart from the disabled pygmy stuff from the previous tip!)

Simply add the following paragraph to your form;

"This project will allow these massively disadvantaged, dirty, common, poverty stricken wretches from [insert location here] to feel at one with their community as the London Olympics in 2012 grow ever more prominent in our minds.

The combination of physical activity, mental agility, substance abuse and [insert art form here] can draw comparisons and inspiration with our brave, determined, drug addled and virtuous athletes who will soon take to the field of sporting endeavour for the London Olympics in 2012.

Did we mention that this work has very prominent ties to the London Olympics in 2012?"

Using the words "kids" or "young people" should be worth about £20,000 extra per mention!

4. Try Very Hard to Take Sebastian Coe Seriously

Look, the man has had the same haircut for over 40 years to say nothing of the fact he looks like an accountant (apologies to all our readers who are accountants!) Sources close the Mr Coe have denied his hair is a glued on plastic mould specially made by Tupperware®.

When the truly ridiculous "wish it was a joke but it's not" logo for the Olympics in 2012 was revealed Mr Coe, Chairman of the LOCOG, said thus;

"It will define the venues we build and the Games we hold and act as a reminder of our promise to use the Olympic spirit to inspire everyone and reach out to young people around the world. "It is an invitation to take part and be involved."

However, you must fight the urge to throw up over you computer screen. Just bite your tongue and nod appreciably whenever he speaks. Making fun of this guy will only make you a pariah in the eyes of the country. (looks like we're screwed then! Ed!)

Also, you have to admire a man who can talk such complete bollocks about the most risible attempt at graphic design in the history of mankind!

5. Suck Up To Jude Kelly

The AD of The Southbank Centre in London was recently described in The Guardian as "one of the most powerful people in the arts". Sources close to Ms Kelly have described her alternately as "Sauron", "She Who Must Not Be Named™", "[a] mad old bat" and "a bit doo-lally".

In keeping with the first two, less than flattering, descriptions Ms Ke....., She Who Must Not Be Named™ is also the "chair of culture, ceremonies and education at the London organising committee for the Olympic games".

Just how you suck up to her is a matter of some debate. Having a three headed dragon wrapped around a sword tattooed on your right forearm whilst chanting something in Latin is the preferred method. Sending gift wrapped Bon Bon's dipped in chicken's blood will also work but that can get a little messy and the Post Office frowns upon such things.

Rumour has it, from sources close to the rumours, that when her followers touch their tattoos a completely banal community arts project is given a massive amount of funding, a baby unicorn dies and a little more hope is lost from the world.

6. Put Yourself About

Once again, get your mind out of the gutter we're not talking about .......... touching! (why don't you just call it sex? Ed!)

What we mean is; Attend every single arts event you possibly can. ACE folks love to attend conferences, openings, sharings, forums, ceremonies, etc etc. If you have soup for lunch the chances are an ACE employee will be there to watch you open the can.

Getting yourself out there brings about that "ah yes, I remember you from the [insert crap event here]" you were both at the week before.

From there you have your chance to set the bribery/blackmail sting into operation! It's all about laying the groundwork!

7. Don't Associate Yourself With Article19

Sources close to the source of this information have told us that being connected to Article19 is a very bad thing indeed.

A common response to any of The Dark Lord's ACE's minions when asked about Article19 is; "oh that, er.... online magazine thing, yeah....... i've heard of it sure, never read it though, do you like chocolates?"

8. Don't Mention The War

In case you haven't heard, The War™ Inc. is not going well so making work that in any way reminds us or the politicos that control the money that things in Iraq™ are not exactly pleasant will bring about a swift refusal to hand over any cash. It's also completely impossible to spin the London Olympics 2012 into "car bomb in Baghad® kills 150".

You have been warned!

[ Top Image by Marc Dietrich ]

Arts Council England has expressed shock and amazement regarding the reported hostile take over bid of the organisation by the cast of Top Cat, the popular 1960's cartoon series.

It appears that Top Cat, the indisputable leader of the gang, or T.C. to his friends (provided it's with dignity), was reported to be outraged at the UK funding behemoths decision to axe almost £30million from its main funding programme, Grants for the Arts, whilst hoping, with increasing levels of desperation, that no one would find out.

Speaking from his home in a trash can in Hoagy's Alley, Manhattan, New York, T.C. told Article19;

"Weeee cannot sit idly by while joo guys suffer at the hands of these wise guy bureaucats (you mean crats? Ed!). Despite the fact you called my show Boss Cat for no apparent reason back in the day I'm willing to forgive and forget to come to the aid of you limey artists and restore a bit of order"

When we pointed out that ACE isn't a public limited company and has no shares for the alley cats to buy, Top Cat (the indisputable leader of the gang) responded;

"thaaaaaat's not the kind of takeover were talking about knuckle head. When I say hostile, I mean HOSTILE!"

T.C. referred all further questions to his Head of Communications; Choo Choo.

Choo Choo told us;

"We've been looking at this in detail and we think we have the best in the business to replace the muddled leadership and lack of passion that have been eroding yoir Arts Council for years now. We've been sneaking into baseball games, getting free phone calls from the cops and stealing food for years. How hard can it be to form a national arts strategy?"

Fax it up Baby!

Mr Choo faxed Article19 several dozen pages of documents detailing both the reasons behind the takeover and a detailed listing of the staff restructuring that would take place.

T.C. would, obviously, supplant 'Sir' Christopher Frayling as chairman of ACE because he apparently spends all of his time watching westerns and writing books that nobody reads (a bit like Jeffrey Archer then? Ed!) and nobody knows who he is anyway. Benny the Ball will act as his right hand man (so to speak).

Choo Choo would replace Peter Wright with immediate effect as Chief Executive because, to quote the alleys cats takeover plans; "Mr Wright is a banana and a knuckle head." Choo Choo also pointed out that he's pink and in ACE terms pink equates to gay so the gay groups will go wild for him.

Mr Choo also hinted that the Pink Panther may come on board at a later stage in an advisory role to show they are serious about the "gay/pink issue".

ACE's current communications staff responded to that claim, seven days and twelve phone calls later, by stating that; "Mr Wright is not a banana, has never been a banana and has no aspirations to ever become a banana". As to the question about him being a "knuckle head" they would simply say "no comment!"

The remaining members of the gang would all assume high ranking positions in the organisation. Because of ACE's sheer size Top Cat (the indisputable leader of the gang) has roped in an entire legion of comrades to fill various positions.

Grape Ape Grape Ape

The Dance Department, for example, will be overseen by the Great Grape Ape. When ACE's press office was asked how national dance policy would be affected with a 40 foot tall, purple gorilla in charge - wearing matching green bow tie, waistcoat and cap - they replied (after 12 days, 24 phone calls, 14 emails, 3 letters, 2 faxes and a flock of carrier pigeons);

"Look, we're getting a little bit upset answering questions about a hostile takeover by animated cartoon characters, stop it, you're giving us all nightmares, stop it............. stop iiiiiiit!".

Beagle Beagle, The Great Grape Ape's trusty sidekick was more circumspect;

"We feel this is a positive move for us, there are a lot of challenges ahead but we've accomplished great things in the past and now it's time to move on, to bigger and better things and just make sure they pay is in purple grapes!"

The Great Grape Ape simply responded "Grape Ape, Grape Ape!" before sloping off in which ever direction he wants because, to be frank, who's going to stop him?

In a surprise move the newly appointed Director of National Dance Strategy, Janet Archer, would be replaced by a used house brick! Both Ms Archer and the house brick declined numerous opportunities to comment. As yet, it is unclear just what kind of new thinking a rectangular piece of masonry will bring to the table in terms of progressive strategies!

ACE's very own press office will be replaced en masse by the slightly more 3 dimensional Animal Kwackers. The inter galactic pop group from, believe it or not, 'Popland' have been doing a lot of charity work since they left television in the late 1970's.

'Boots', the one eyed tiger, told us;

"We feel this is a positive move for us, there are a lot of challenges ahead but we've accomplished great things in the past and now it's time to move on, to bigger and better things."

When we explained that's what Beagle Beagle said just hours before he/she responded;

"That's because we're all 'on message' (emphasised with air quotes), but I guarantee you that every Friday, at lunch time, Rory Rory will indeed, be telling you a story!"

Reaction among arts professionals and the government has been mixed. Downing Street refused to comment referring us to the DCMS. The DCMS refused to comment referring us to ACE. ACE couldn't comment because the entire communications staff was in rehab!

Journalistic Meltdown

Brian Sewell, the Evening Standard's Art Critic, commented that;

"To be fair I find the whole thing utterly repugnant, revolting, repulsive, repellent, disgusting, offensive, objectionable, cringeworthy, vile, foul, nasty, loathsome, sickening, nauseating, hateful, detestable, execrable, abominable, monstrous, appalling, insufferable, intolerable, unacceptable, contemptible, unsavory and unpalatable! However, Choo Choo is quite the cute little cat, don't you think?"

When our reporters asked if that was a dictionary in his pocket or was he just pleased to see us? Mr Sewell sloped off toward Tate Modern muttering to himself about Gateshead.

Richard Morrison of The Times (he used to write rather good editorials about the arts you know! Ed!) seemed more up beat;

"Frankly, the way things are I'm surprised they didn't move in sooner and boot this lot out on the street. I've always been a huge fan of T.C. I was in his fan club for chrissake! Where the hell have you been all these years huh?................. Well?..................... Answer me dammit!!"

Stuart Sweeney, Acting Senior Deputy Assistant Executive Administrator in Charge of Courtesy and Self Important Posturing at CriticalDance.com told us;

"I'm not talking to you lot, you're really silly, now leave me alone, I'm buying slippers!"

A professional dance artist, who requested anonymity because he had been drinking heavily and couldn't remember his own name, commented;

"I think a bunch of animated characters could almost certainly run ACE better than that knuckle headed, banana guy and his merry bunch of cloven hooved henchmen........... BIG ISSUE, GET YA BIG ISSUE HERE!!!!"

The takeover is scheduled to be completed within the next few weeks so get ready for a whole slew of crazy announcements, barking mad policy ideas and all round chaos in the arts. If you don't notice any difference then we suggest you're not looking hard enough.

Top Cat (the indisputable leader of the gang) told us in one final comment;

"We feel this is a positive move for us, there are a lot of challenges ahead but we've accomplished great things in the past and now it's time to move on, to bigger and better things."

Oh bugger off!

Finding the skinny on todays creative types is a little bit hard. They don't have MySpace pages and they are notoriously uncooperative when you knock on their door at 5am demanding answers which is a little unreasonable if you ask us.

So all you dance students fire up your notebooks for the undisputed facts on the best and the brightest in todays wacky world of dance.

Charlotte Vincent

Biog: Known as the 'Tank Girl' of the dance world (although more for her resilience than the for the fact she lives in a tank, which she doesn't). Learned her craft in the salt mines of a Siberian labour camp after being imprisoned there by ACE for being 'talented'. Upon her escape she went on to make some rather good dance theatre, think of her as a classy, female Lloyd Newson.

Showing her touring metal at present by traveling with three shows all at the same time. Recently returned to prison, as a guest, to teach the inmates the finer points of dance, such as jumping really high and how to climb stuff. The prison authorities were not amused.

Her most prestigious achievement to date is having three different pieces featured on Article19, which Ms Vincent will readily admit to if asked (allegedly).

Feared by many of the London Dance Mafia because her company is based in Sheffield and they don't know where that is.

Looks Like: Tank Girl, but with more hair.
Daemon: Snow Leopard
What to say: Yes of course I'll get out of your way.
What not to say: What are you looking at?

Rafael Bonachela

Biog: Probably best know for creating choreography for Kylie Minogue which is a bit weird because Ms Minogue can't dance (she can't sing either but that's another issue). Famously won the first ever Place Prize which was a feat acknowledged by the 35 people who read the Guardian's arts pages.

Also won various other awards which means he's either really good at choreography, has a lot of money for bribes or should stop entering competitions and do some bloody touring!

His commercial leanings are of little surprise since he trained at the London Studio Centre. We'll say no more about a place that has a picture of a guy in a bowler hat on the front page of its website. Went from there to dance with a company nobody ever heard of and then onto Rambert which more than a few folks have heard of.

Here in TheLab™ we have never seen his work live, only in a small video on The Place's website, which kind of emphasises the whole 'stop entering competitions and do some bloody touring' quip!

Looks Like: Milhouse
Daemon: Chihuahua
What to say: Step ball change, Jazz hands!!
What not to say: Can we go on bloody tour already!

Charles Linehan

Biog: Without doubt the most laid back man in dance making. His work never accelerates beyond third gear because as far as he's concerned time is endless and what's the damn rush all of a sudden?

Trained at the Rambert School back in the day but soon got that nonsense out of his head and started doing something more interesting. Once used music created by recording the sound power lines make in Australia, we're not making this up you know! Although the power line thing could be ever so slightly inaccurate (they might have been in the USA!)

Best thing to do at one of his shows is make sure you have a comfy chair with you, a hot mug of Horlicks and some custard creams. Then just kick back and let it happen because this guy is the antidote to Random the world has been crying out for.

Looks Like: Alan Rickman
Daemon: The giant tortoise from Neverending Story
What to say: smooooooooooooth
What not to say: annnnnnnnd JAZZ HANDS!!

Christopher Wheeldon

Biog: Doyen of the Royal Ballet School and the company that bears its name which makes it all the more surprising to learn that he's the resident choreographer of the New York City Ballet. It took just 2 years in the UK's biggest ballet company to make him run for it!

Subject of unrelenting fawning by the arts media who have awarded him the title of 'Best Thing In The World Ever'. He likes to talk about his 'Buns Of Steel' award from Judith Mackrell a lot less though!

Soon to branch out all on his own with an, as yet, unfunded, transatlantic dance company where he has promised to pinch all the good dancers from both NYCB and Royal Ballet for his own shows.

Rumours that NYCB are calling in some favours from their friends in New Jersey to fit him with a pair concrete ballet shoes are either completely unfounded or from a really bad Soprano's script.

Does not look forward to valentines day because all the flowers, chocolates and saucy limericks from Judith Mackrell are just getting embarrassing.

Looks Like: An extra from Pirates of the Caribbean
Daemon: Ermine
What to say: Of course you can have $4,000,000 to run your new company.
What not say: $4,000,000 to run your new company? Idiot boy!!

Merce Cunningham

Biog: If you don't know Merce then you haven't lived. Perhaps the oldest, living, dance maker on planet earth. Learned his craft back in the day when color TV, polyester and SpongeBob SquarePants were the stuff of science fiction.

His work is almost completely unfathomable, although less so than William Forsythe's, and younger dance audiences tend to shy away from his work because, lets face it, they have lives to get on with.

Chance, crazy music and unitards all play a part in his work and none of it is intended to be even remotely ironic! Spawned the titular 'Cunningham Technique' which isn't really a technique at all but it's bloody hard and doesn't involve rolling around on the floor at all.

Most famous for getting Article19 into trouble (allegedly) when we wrote a joke about him being compared to dead dance makers and some prat at the Arts Council thought we said he was no longer alive. Those were the days.

Looks Like: Crazy Uncle Erle
Daemon: Argentinosaurus huinculensis
What to say: Unitards look great, especially in puce!
What not to say: Fancy a jog?

Wim Vandekeybus

Biog: Belgian dance maker most famous for his piece 'What The Body Does Not Remember' which included the performers lobbing breeze blocks (big bricks to you and me) around the stage.

Very popular during the whole 'Euro Crash' thing. The work was entertaining to watch if for no other reason than sadistic voyeurism because many in the audience were hoping one of the dancers would get clobbered by a flying piece of masonry.

Studied psychology back in the day but rejected its teachings because he wanted to study the relationship between 'body and spirit' or he got bored and wanted to watch cartoons, we can't remember which.

Described as a dancer, choreographer, film maker, photographer and pastry chef in his official press materials. We have never seen one of his films but his custard tarts are to die for!

Looks Like: The bloke from Dexy's Midnight Runners (ask your parents)
Daemon: Rhinoceros
What to say: Gimme a Custard Tart!
What not to say: Come on Eileen!!

A conversation between Sebastian Coe (Lord), man in charge of the London Olympics for 2012, and the bloke from ACE, it didn't happen, but maybe it should have!

The Olympics are still going ahead in 2012, whether we like it or not!

A conversation between Liam Steel(e), from Stan Won't Dance and a bloke from Arts Council England back in the day. It didn’t happen, but maybe it should have?

Liam Steel(e) is now an advisor to Mothercare!

The image - replete with actual matches to illustrate scale - shows the plan is written on an official ACE matchbox and confirms the veracity of an earlier document we recieved via email from an anonymous source detailing the funding giants plans to deal with their complete inability to document complex projects.

The memo (ACE-WDKWWFD-01) titled ‘Cover Up - How to deal with the fact we don’t know what we’re f*cking doing’ detailed how ACE would write all of its plans on the back of matchbox’s and if the bad folks came a calling, ie: Article19 or the the DCMS, they could just set fire to the offending records with the built in self combustible device that was part of every document! They also concluded that such an approach would save a lot of space in the office.

ACE had told government inspectors that the plan had been shelved following objections from the fire dept. about the risk of keeping 24,000 boxes of matches in such a confined space.

A DCMS (Department for Culture Media and Sport) directive had also instructed that all ACE employees should be restricted from using any potentially harmful objects like knives, pens, pencils and inflatable bananas! This has caused much consternation amongst ACE scribes as they were forced to issue press releases written in crayon!

Complex Capture

Details of the complex ‘Capture’ plan are clearly visible in the image. The first step is ‘get applications’ followed by the fairly obvious ‘give money’ part, so far so predictable, then it all starts get a little bit tricky for the good folks in ACE towers.

Apparently there will be a two pronged attack to deal with both good and bad results. Inevitably, if all goes well then ACE simply ‘takes credit’ as illustrated by the complex flow chart on the matchbox.

If it all goes tits-up/pear shaped/to hell in a hand cart (delete as applicable to your particular religious, gender, social sensibilities) then it’s all hands to the pumps.

First of all they will ‘deny all nowledge (sic)’ and then begin turning on ‘voice mail’ across their network and finally, the ultimate source of frustration for those contacting ACE by email, the dreaded ‘Out of Office Autoreply’(OoOAR) or the ‘we’re actually here but sipping peach snaps at Browns is preferable to dealing with smelly artists reply’ as one wag has dubbed it!

This automated firewall of silence is put in place until the furore dies down and everybody has gone home to catch up on their email (by now filled with OoOAR) and have a nice lie down.

A government working group looking into ACE’s use of voice mail and OoOAR in October 2005 concluded that 98% of all calls made to ACE resulted in the standard voice mail response. The committee of MP’s doubted very much that ACE employees spent that much time ‘on another call’ and if they were ‘away from their desk’ what the hell were they up to?

Lighthouse Keeper

The Capture project itself will be run, allegedly, by a company called Portland Green. They should not be confused with popular children’s show Portland Bill because they have nothing to do with the Lighthouse [on] Guillemot Rock, they are nowhere near the shores of McGuillycuddy, and they don’t have a theme song that’s anywhere near as catchy as;

“Oh come with me, to the golden sea while the weathers calm and still, and we'll have some fun and laughter, with the adventures of Portland Bill”. (they don’t write em like that anymore! Ed!)

One commentator has told us that the project would almost certainly be better run by a stop-frame animation lighthouse keeper than the Portland Green ‘team’. Portland Green refused to comment on whether or not they were considering hiring any staff that were ‘stop-motion’ but employees living in lighthouses were more than welcome to apply for positions.

One further controversial item is the scribbled note to the left of the image detailing the apparent contact details for a ‘crack dealer’.

Whether or not this is someone who deals in illicit drugs or the supply of imperfections in smooth concrete and plaster surfaces was unclear. Calls to the number went straight to voicemail - the person was apparently on another call or away from their desk! - and no reply was received at the time of writing.

A government report early last year concluded that Arts Council employees should probably refrain from smoking crack during working hours and most other times if they could possibly avoid it.

Using LSD throughout the day was strongly recommended however as it was thought this might help them come up with a coherent plan or two.

ACE declined to comment on the crack issue!

[ Match Box Photo by Kurt Lund ]

Article19 profiles 8 dance makers, keeping it short and sweet to begin with, telling you the facts that you absolutely must know to be better informed about the state of play in contemporary dance. They are presented in no particular order and please make sure you credit us when quoting these “facts” in your own writing because we really want to know if we were responsible for getting you thrown out of college!

Richard Alston

Biog: Currently the director of Richard Alston Dance Company and something else to do with The Place in London. Has been creating dance for about 234 years with major influences being Merce Cunningham and musicians nobody has ever heard of.

A founding member of London Contemporary Dance Theatre, sort of, back in the day when cell phones didn’t exist and the horseless carriage was just coming into fashion. His signature look is of a rosy cheeked grand father, more softly spoken than a church mouse with a sore throat, think Stephen Fry with the ability to dance!

Looks Like: Professor Bubbly Squeek PhD
Potential Pet: Sausage Dog
What to Say: Your work is most lyrical Mr Alston!
What Not To Say: Do you think it’s possible for dance to act as a sedative?

Javier De Frutos

Biog: Soon to be the new director of Phoenix Dance Theatre, Venezuelan born Mr De Frutos made a name for himself performing in the buff throughout an awful lot of his work, anybody who says otherwise is lying!

A surprise choice to lead Phoenix he said, upon his appointment, “I feel I’ve been given a gift and I can’t wait to unwrap it.” The dancers are hoping he does not mean that literally. He has of course created work with dancers who kept all of their clothes on, Royal Ballet for one, but this is the media so what makes you think we would focus on that?

Looks Like: Steven Berkoff with Botox
Potential Pet: Salamander
What to Say: Yes it does move rhythmically!
What Not To Say: Are these your pants?

Wayne McGregor

Biog: Shiny headed AD of Random Dance Company. Emerged from the nondescript Bretton Hall at a time when contemporary dance was in dire need of some youthful energy, quick wit and exuberance on the creative side of things. They asked Wayne if he knew anybody with those qualities, he didn’t!

His career has been punctuated with an unnatural interest in insectoid like movements, nobody had the heart to tell him caterpillars can’t dance, despite what several children's books might say. Owns a small island of the coast of Africa, sort of, paid for with the proceeds from choreographing the crappest piece of dance in history for the last Harry Potter film (allegedly).

Looks Like: The bad guy from a James Bond movie
Potential Pet: Stick Insect
What To Say: Yes, I know exactly what you mean!
What Not To Say: Can I polish your noggin?

Mark Morris

Biog: Former ballet dancer from Seattle - the home of Microsoft no less - and started his own company - named after himself - back in 1980. Also co-founded the White Oak Dance project with Baryschnikov in 1990 (no longer exists however). Famous for his big, lyrical dance works like The Hard Nut and other works with names we can’t remember. The man himself is like a cartoon character given flesh and doesn't suffer fools lightly. He is a living embodiment of the word ‘choreographer’.

If you were writing a cliche ridden movie about dance this is the guy you base your central character on because nobody would believe it was true. Has some game in the old dance making front mind you!

Looks Like: The Dread Pirate Roberts
Potential Pet: 14 cats named after the cast of Chicago
What to Say: Yes Mark, this piece needs a lot more flowers in it!
What Not To Say: Fancy a pint and a lobster curry after work?

LLoyd Newson

Biog: Australian born dance maker who now makes his home in a lighthouse on the Cornish coast (that may not be true). Creator of DV8 Physical Theatre, a company obsessed with taking a close look at the foibles of modern life or some such psychoanalytical drivel. Relies heavily on exploiting/utilising (delete as applicable) the personal experiences of his dancers no matter the severity of the trauma.

Famously refuses to have his picture taken so he can ‘blend into the background whilst studying the human animal’. When a work is finished touring he abandons it to the vagaries of history and steadfastly refuses to revive them, unless a TV company pays a lot of money to turn one of them into a film, but that’s different, right?

Looks Like: Dilbert
Potential Pet: Chameleon (of course!)
What To Say: I threw my friend down the stairs whilst shooting heroin, can I have a job?
What Not To Say: glissade, glissade, petite jete, sissonne!

Siobhan Davies

Biog: Like her contemporary, Richard Alston, she began her dancing career during the very beginnings of the London School of Contemporary Dance. Her own company, once again named after her, has been going for several centuries but only recently secured its own home somewhere in London. Her work is the antithesis of Mr Newson’s, Siobhan practices ‘pure dance’ and will have none of this social commentary nonsense and more power to her sails we say. Here recent works have gone into site specific mode.

Married, rather conveniently, to lighting designer Peter Mumford, a stand out part of her dance making is always the intricate nature of the lighting, we imagine when it goes wrong the weekly trip to Tesco’s becomes something of a nightmare however!

Looks Like: Sheila Hancock
Potential Pet: Budgie
What To Say: I like your buttresses!
What Not To Say: I like my dance like I like my women, pure and wearing pyjamas!!

Anna Teresa De Keersmaeker

Biog: Not content with having a quadruple barreled name this Belgian dance maker has a reputation for being a bit difficult with pretty much anybody, journalists especially however. Founder and current director of Rosas, this is a dance maker who takes her craft very, very seriously. We know this because there is not one single picture of her smiling (well, we did find one picture but the evidence was inconclusive so we rule in favour of the prosecution).

If Siobhan Davies is the antithesis of DV8 then Ms Keersmaeker is the antithesis of Mark Morris. Undoubtedly gifted in the craft of making dancers do her bidding to dramatic effect we can’t help feeling she would do well to have a picture taken of herself in a large rabbit outfit munching on a comedy carrot!

Looks Like: Anne Frank
Potential Pet: Serberus
What To Say: ....................
What Not To Say: What’s Up Doc?

Trisha Brown

Biog. American dance maker and inventor of the post modern movement, sort of, back in the 1970’s. Famous for making people walk down the side of buildings, walk around the edge of buildings and just, well........ walk around buildings like people normally do and call it dance. Was one of the first to use electronic sampling - care of Laurie Anderson - for her piece ‘Set and Reset’ back in 1983 (you youngsters ask your parents about that one).

Championed the use of improvisation and none linear patterns in her work. Her influence on dance can still be seen to this very day in innumerable site specific works where dancers just randomly wander about yelling at people for no apparent reason.

The use of music in her pieces was often frowned upon much to the chagrin of the aforementioned Ms Anderson! Famously bored the pants of people with a work called ‘M.O’. Set to harpsichord music the work apparently was never ending, or at least it felt that way, ‘Set and Rest’ was much more fun!

Looks Like: Your friends crazy grand mother
Potential Pet: Horse
What To Say: Eat my pigeon in a bucket of spittle my king!
What Not To Say: Can you tour ‘M.O.’ again?

May - ACE on Film

The Dance Dept. at Arts Council in London admit defeat and publicly state they are useless at commissioning films. They promise to never ever do it again after the completion of their most recent effort, Harry Potter and The Half Cut Choreographer, where the boy wizard curtails the antics of Lord Voldermort using the medium of dance and creative movement workshops! Audience riots following the premiere take 400 police officers 3 days to suppress.

In Addition: The bloke who last year completed a project where-by he walked across London Bridge very, very slowly calls a press conference to announce the follow up project, Walking Across London Bridge Very, Very Slowly, Backwards..................... He is immediately set upon by the assembled media, never to be heard from again!

June - Dance UK Crime Family

DanceUK is wound up after several members of staff are arrested when their plan for solving the jobs crisis for professional dancers is revealed. According to court documents; Sian “Knuckles” Kendall and Katy “Mutton Chops” Spicer were conspiring to “rub out” every second dancer in their member list thereby easing the strain on the jobs market.

They also deny attempting to supply drugs to raise money for health care after they were caught selling a London based dance maker 300 boxes of Persil (non biological) claiming he simply wanted to wash some costumes and they were only to happy to oblige. Said dance maker appears at their trial at the Old Bailey in clothes that are whiter than white but that doesn’t explain why his nostrils are 13 inches in diameter!

Det Inspector Frank “The Filth” Fletcher declares the motley crew of criminals “the stupidest crime gang in history”. The Lavender Hill Mafia were given up by Helen “The Hat” Laws when she buckled under questioning.

In Addition: Akram Khan calls a press conference where he announces his new work, a 3 hour exposition on the second coming of Buddha with 2 hours of spoken monologue in iambic pentameter with no intermission for the all standing audience. He is immediately set upon by the assembled media, never to be heard from again!

July - Merce Living A Lie!

Merce Cunningham announces in the New York Times that his entire career has been a running joke engineered to, using his own words, “piss people off”, especially hapless dance students studying his work for dance history. Cunningham admits that he “always hated dance students because they made fun of his hair when he was training and this was my revenge” said the 348 year old dance maker. Apparently the idea was to keep it up through the 60’s and 70’s when nobody would notice because pretty much everything was a bit crap back then but he kept going as the bucket loads of cash just kept rolling in.

August - Post Modern Is Back!

A determined group of dance makers declare a ‘return to the golden era of Post Modernism’. They begin plotting months of site specific performances involving nothing more than ‘dancers’ standing around muttering to themselves about ‘introspection’ whilst rolling around the outside edges of any room they happen to be in at the time. Randomly throwing flowers into the air at any given moment is also high on the ‘creative’ agenda. Arts Council announces that all money given to dance will have to include ‘a certain level of complete bollocks’ in order to receive funding. Some media pundits muse ‘what else is new?’

Trisha Brown denies it is anything to do with her despite being caught red handed wearing an Epson™ slide projector on her back whilst standing on a rooftop in New York choreographing her dancers on top of adjacent buildings using a mixture of semaphore and screaming in hebrew!

September - NDA Overdose

During an all weekend party in Chipping Sodbury the directors of the National Dance Agency (NDA) network in the UK join forces and declare their allegiance to the forces of darkness (or Arts Council). The assembled directors construct a huge white tower, with a massive elephant on top, from styrofoam and, for reasons past understanding, order their employees to start chopping down all the trees in the land! The madness is broken up by a large police raid and they determine that the whole fiasco was caused by the directors overdosing on Fruit Polo’s™. The dance community is unsympathetic!

In Addition: Wayne McGreogor announces his latest work, titled IGNU, at a press conference. The work involves an in-depth study on the workings of nerve endings when subjected to a 4000 volt electric shock whilst the victim is watching Random’s previous performance AMU. Movement will be derived from video tapings of the ensuing spasm’s! Mr Mcgregor continues to talk seemingly oblivious to the sound of axes being sharpened by the assembled media, he is never heard from again!

October - DCMS Meltdown

The Department for Culture Media and Sport (DCMS) produces the findings of its first meeting of the Dance Forum to an assembled throng of progressive dance makers in London. The Forum declares their big idea for dance is;

“To formulate the notion of the ability of movement orientated forms to cross fertalise and integrate in the long term, and in no uncertain terms, the formulas, idioms and functions of cross cutting agendas within a finite construct of limited core, monetary outlay to sectors within society lacking pre-disposed notions or constructs of self reliance and development within a finite construct of limited core monetary outlay for a infinite period of time as providers continue to facilitate that core outlay to others requiring core outlay for very little in monetary core outlay.”

Or, dancers continue providing 50,000 workshops to poor people a year for crap pay, no prospects and no job satisfaction.

The Dance Forum are set upon by the assembled dance makers and are never heard from again!

November - Video iACE™

Arts Council England announces that it has a master plan to get dance into the hands of millions. They will send out Video iPods™ to all the school children in the land featuring an eclectic mix of dance works from ages past. ACE say they have absolute confidence the plan will work, sadly it’s so expensive that all dancers will have to be fired to pay for it only the administrators will be kept on to box up the iPods and ship them out. ACE chief Peter Hewitt says the plan is ‘perfect’, since ‘who needs actual dancers when you can watch it all on your iPod?’

Arts Council’s Headquarters is last seen aflame and Mr Hewitt is never heard from again, progressive dance makers cannot account for their whereabouts during this time! The iPod plan never happens, Apple Computer announce a 29% drop in their share price but deny having anything to do with the plan!

December - Hope With Weapons!

Christmas approaches with ACE burned to the ground, McGregor, Khan and that bloke with the slow walking missing presumed pretentious and the site specific crowd routed and shipped of to Belarus, the dance making progressive's approach the holiday season with an air of hope keeping one eye on their presents and the other on the heavy weapons!

In Addition: A visibly nervous Kevin Finnan of Motionhouse announces the company’s latest work, ‘Driven’, to the assembled media. Explaining that the work is about the goings on inside a late 60’s Ford Cortina and something else to do with ‘time’, he says whilst keeping one foot firmly in the aisle.

The assembled media leave the press conference muttering something about the work ‘being good or else!’

Here in the Lab we tend to give London a hard time. It’s big, it smells funny and an awful lot of folks are under the impression that it’s the centre of the dance universe.

A nasty, and mostly unfounded, rumour was circulating about the whale that swam into the Thames recently. Apparently there was some evidence to suggest that it didn't die of heart failure but, in fact, committed suicide after being overcome by depression when the poor beast realised where it was.

Such scurrilous rumour mongering must be rebutted we feel. We have searched high and low and come up with five reasons to love London and the people who live there because we believe in giving everyone a fair shake and London should be no exception!

It’s 300 Miles Away

Yes, the Lab is a good 300 miles away from the big smoke, the smell, tube station employees that look like they want to disembowel you if you ask them a question, ‘jovial’ London ‘cabbies’, and most importantly of all, those nefarious individuals that enjoy spending time in Kings Cross station trying to sell you everything from hard drugs to bottled samples of their own urine!

For being so far away, we thank you. Kudos to Perth in Western Australia which, according to Google Earth, is 9,241 miles from the nations capital, we know how special that feeling is!

They Have The Olympics

It may be true that London will spend £12 Billion of the entire country’s money on a two week long sports event/pharmaceutical convention but at least the rest of us don’t have to clean up the mess and deal with the traffic. Londoner's (for that is what they are called) have also graciously agreed to figure out what to do with a gymnastics stadium, velodrome and other sporting venues for which this country has no particular talent.

When the event is over and the athlete’s village reverts to being, what we call in the UK, a council estate, the city's inhabitants have agreed to cover it in garbage, spray the walls with graffiti and make large areas of it uninhabitable. None of which will cost the country a penny! They really are very sweet.

The M25

What many people don’t know is that the M25 was never meant to be a motorway. It was actually the foundation for a giant security wall that would surround the capital. Sadly it filled up with traffic before they could finish it because, as we all know, a Londoner’s first reaction to seeing a paved area running in a straight line is to start driving their car across it for no apparent reason.

London's spokesman, Fauston Carpet, would not confirm if the wall was to keep people in or the rest of us out of the nation’s pride and joy. We like to think it was to keep them in, so for that we give thanks, for the thought at least.

Eastenders

For the uninitiated, and our overseas readers, Eastenders is a ‘soap’ opera about life in a typical ‘East End’ enclave populated with people that make peeling wallpaper seem interesting. The characters within this particular universe spend their time drinking tea, shouting, complaining, drinking more tea, killing one another, and fathering illegitimate children, whilst drinking tea. These activities are carried out 4 times per week on national television.

Were it not for this show being completely devoid of original thinking, good writing, superlative acting and believable characters there would be no gauge for what good television actually is. Watch it once then retire to your private DVD collection and enjoy season 1 of Lost at your leisure!

Arts Council England.

You may or may not remember that ACE was, until recently, based only in London and not spread around the country like a virulent dose of flu. As we all know, ACE is an invaluable organisation to the arts for the simple reason that where else would artists be able to turn in times of need to fix the suffocating problems of funding imbalance, incoherent policy and meaningless decision making?

Arts Council England is an irreplaceable member of the arts community, otherwise there would be very little reason not to put them all in prison!

Admission

So there you have it, if our assessment of this country’s great capital doesn’t fill you full of joy then you’re not reading it right or maybe you are reading it right but you actually live in London in which case your brain has started to melt because of all the pollution and you just realised George ‘pussy cat’ Galloway is your member of parliament!